Opinion » Bill Cope

You Republicans

Let me tell you what's a real scandal


I have a prediction, but it's only for you Republicans. Just you. The majority of the country doesn't need it. They've already figured out for themselves what I am about to predict. They may not think of it as a prediction, not in any formal sense, but they know how it's going to turn out because they've seen it all before. Over and over, actually.

And since it has always turned out basically the same, they assume it's going to turn out the same this time, too. But you Republicans haven't figured it out yet. The majority, including me, is way ahead of you. But that's not bragging. Any more, it's no big accomplishment to be way ahead of you Republicans.

The reason I'm making a prediction (when indeed I do get around to making it) is that I can't resist letting you Republicans in on the secret. Not that it's a real secret. Nothing can be a proper secret when everyone knows about it but the slow learners at the back of the class, right? But it's a secret to you Republicans, that's for sure. You continue to be certain in your brains that something different is going to happen when everyone else knows it won't. In fact, one could honestly say just about everything in America is a secret to you Republicans, as it is astonishing to the rest of us how little you have figured out. You keep floundering and flopping around in your brains like a catfish in mud just for that reason, that you can't seem to figure out anything.

Seriously. You name it--women's issues, stimulus issues, immigration issues, health-care issues, national security issues, environmental issues, science issues, education issues, young peoples' issues, old peoples' issues--it all seems to be over your heads. You keep pretending to have solutions, that you offer alternatives, but to the rest of us, it's obvious you're just faking it. You're like the kid who writes a book report on a book he's never read, written in a language he's never learned, then tries to tell the other kids how they should write their reports.

Now, on to my prediction. I predict that President Barack Obama will not be impeached by the IRS scandal. Or the Benghazi scandal. Or for that matter, the AP scandal. I predict none of these scandals will even ding him to any significant degree, and may actually help him.

I predict he will continue to be liked and admired by the majority of Americans--roughly the same majority that elected him president twice and stands with him on virtually everything he wants to do. I also predict that Congress--so infested with ugly, unfit scabs like Darrell Issa, James Inhofe and those gibbering apes who represent the embarrassing state of Texas--will continue to drop in the eyes and estimations of the American majority like turds in watery Jello.

I predict that, as the facts are exposed in the scandals, the majority of Americans will come to realize there is nothing very scandalous about the scandals. I predict Benghazi will come to be understood as nothing more than a set of miscommunications and confused perceptions, exacerbated by how the Republicans you Republicans put into office slashed funding for embassy security. I predict the IRS affair will come to be seen as nothing more than a misguided attempt to separate the wolves from the lambs when it comes to granting tax exempt status, exacerbated by Tea Party frauds trying to pass themselves off as charities.

Lastly, I predict the AP scandal will prove to be nothing but an attempt to stem leaks considered detrimental to national security--controversial, perhaps rash, but legal.

I don't normally make predictions. Not serious ones. But I'm serious about the these predictions because they are the natural extensions of the reasons I (along with the majority of Americans) chose Barack Obama to be our leader in the first place. We chose him because he was, and is, an eminently honorable, undoubtedly decent and superlatively intelligent man, and I remain confident a man of those qualities would not behave as Republicans continually accuse him of behaving. I like to think this is what we Democrats look for in our leaders: honor, decency and intelligence.

You Republicans, on the other hand, always seem to expect the worst in people. I suppose that's why you're not ashamed of yourself for offering us second-rate riffraff for high office, and it's why you see nothing good about our president. You can't grasp the honor, decency and intelligence of Barack Obama because your brains don't register those wavelengths. You are the exact opposite of the creature in the movie Predator; you can comprehend what's before you only if it is entirely covered with mud. Get what I mean?

No, of course you don't.

In the end, though, it's not going to matter what you Republicans comprehend and what you don't comprehend. In a nutshell, this is my prediction: that the majority of Americans, as in two elections and several smaller struggles, will continue to stand with Obama because they see what you are incapable of seeing. And they will continue to doubt everything you say about Obama because the more they see of the ugly, unfit scabs you elected to office--those whose blighted mission it is to smear the mud on a better man--the more they will appreciate what a better man Obama truly is.

Special note to Republican leaders: Keep it up. Please. Your ugliness can only help Hillary, should she decide to go for it.