Opinion » Bill Cope

You and Me and the TTP

TTotally perfect?... or TToilet paper?


"Badger Bob! Long time, no see. Where you been, bro?"

"Went south, Cope. Spent the winter in Florida. And don't ever call me 'bro' again, a**h***. Listen, I want to talk to you about this f***ing Trans-Pacif..."

"Wow, Bob! Fancy-schmancy Florida, huh? Did you go on any yacht rides? Did you sleep out on the beach under a palm tree? I hear that's the thing to do down there, huh?"

"Never mind that. Why the f*** haven't you written anything about the TPP?"

"Don't know. Hey, Bob, did you go to any dog races? I hear they're a lot of fun. I bet you had your share of pina coladas and mai tais, ha ha."

"For f***'s sake, would you forget Florida. It's not important what I did in Florida... not to mention that it's none of your g**d*** business. And you don't give a s*** what I did, anyway, Cope. I know you. You're just avoiding the question. Now why haven't you written diddly-squat on that m*****-f***ing Trans-Pacific Partnership s*** that Obama and the Republicans are railroading through?"

"Bawb! Ewww! Don't say 'Obama and the Republicans' like that. It hurts my ears. Besides, Obama isn't the only Democrat for it. Even Hillary is for it, I think."

"So I suppose you're for it, too? Just because Hillary's for it?"

"Well, uh, not necessarily, Bob. I guess I don't really know whether I'm for it or against it."

"You dips*** a**h*** chickens***! How in holy f*** can you not know whether you're for or against that sack o' s*** trade agreement? I thought you were supposed to be some kind of g** d*** opinion columnist, g** d*****!"

"Bawwwwb! Quit yelling at me. It hurts my ears. And darnit, just 'cause I'm an opinion columnist doesn't mean I have to have an opinion on everything, does it?"

"This is a big f***ing deal, Cope! It could be the worst thing to slap the middle class since NAFTA. Haven't you heard? Or have you spent the whole f***ing winter with your head up your a**?

"But I've heard it both ways, Bob. And I just don't know what to make of it. Gosh, I never claimed to be no economics genius, did I?"

"That's why you should listen to people like Elizabeth Warren, dumbs***!"

"And not listen to people like Bill Clinton and President Obama? Bob, this is a real tough one. I think there's probably some good and some bad on both sides. And it's not like anyone is going to listen to what I have to say about it, anyway. Right? I think I'm better off sticking to stuff I understand, don't you? Things like how crappy Country music is. And how stupid Sheryl Nuxoll is. And how abominable Ted Cruz is. And how...

"And speaking of Warren, why haven't you advocating for her to get into the race?"

"Holy cow, Bob. How many times does she have to say she's not running? She must have said it, like, 30,000 times already."

"If enough of us try to convince her to run, she'll run! I know she will. We need her. Your precious Hillary is as bad as the f***ing Republicans."

"Bawb! Ewww! You can not believe that! For you to say that, it... it hurts my ears, that's what. You're sounding like one of those spoiled baby brat people. You know?... the ones who are won't tolerate anything but absolute ideological purity. You don't want to sound like them, do you?"

"OK, fine. No, Hillary isn't as bad as the f***ing Republicans. But she's not as good as Warren, g** d*****! Liberals ought to stick with liberals, Cope. You're still a liberal, aren't you?"

"Sure, Bob. I'm still a liberal. But you can hardly say Hillary isn't a liberal, just because she's maybe not the same exact kind of liberal as you. That makes you sound like those spoiled baby brat people who won't tolerate..."

"Quit calling me a spoiled baby brat people, g** d*****! I'm not some infantile ideologue who throws a fit because he doesn't get everything his way. I'm just saying that we'd be better off with Elizabeth Warren than with Hillary."

"Listen, Bob, you have to admit that sometimes you hardcore progressives start to sound a little spoiled when you insist more moderate Democrats don't measure up to your standards. And we know where that kind of uncompromising self-righteousness leads, don't we? Huh, Bob? Just look at the poopy-head Republicans. And we don't want any Democrats sounding like those poopy-head Republicans. Do we?"

"You can f***ing compromise yourself right out of a democracy, if you aren't careful."

"Uh-huh. But isn't that also the only way a democracy can work, Bob?... all the people with different views coming to a compromise?"

"Cope, are you preaching to me about what a democracy is?"

"Hey, bro! Er... Bob. Nah, I'd never preach to you. But you have to admit that sometimes, you can get pretty, uh, insistent."

"Insistent!? Me?"

"Just sayin', Bob. After all, you're the only person I know who's rewritten the whole U.S. Constitution to suit yourself."

"Just the Bill of Rights, Cope. Just the Bill of Rights. Don't exaggerate."