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WORLD'S BEST HACK - THAT'S TOO BAAAAAD - MONEY FOR NOTHING - A RUSE UNTIL ... - DON'T WORRY, BE FLAKY - HORTON HEARS A HALLUCINOGENIC WHO -

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WORLD'S BEST HACK

It's time once again for the only literary contest that matters, the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest (also known as the Dark and Stormy Night contest), which challenges writers to create the worst possible opening sentence to an imaginary novel. This year's winner is Jim Gleeson, of Madison, Wis., who came up with this piece of crap: "Gerald began—but was interrupted by a piercing whistle which cost him 10 percent of his hearing permanently, as it did everyone else in a 10-mile radius of the eruption, not that it mattered much because for them "permanently" meant the next 10 minutes or so until buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash—to pee." Check out Bulwer-Lytton.com for a list of winners, including this runner-up from the Children's Literature: "Mary had a little lamb; its fleece was Polartec 200 (thanks to gene splicing, a diet of force-fed petrochemical supplements, and regular dips in an advanced surface fusion polymer), which had the fortunate side effect of rendering it inedible, unlike that other Mary's organic lamb, which misbehaved at school and wound up in a lovely Moroccan stew with dried apricots and couscous."

THAT'S TOO BAAAAAD

Last week, we were subjected to the news that sex with dead people is basically legal in Wisconsin. This week, we learn that sex with animals is just fine and dandy in the Netherlands. Reports out of that country claim that a man arrested for making out with a sheep was not prosecuted because the sheep was unable to testify against him. According to Dutch law, bestiality is not a crime unless it can be proven that the animal didn't want to have sex . The Dutch minister of justice claims he is working on changes to the law to make bestiality a criminal offense. (Metro.co.uk)

MONEY FOR NOTHING

In Japan, where free money seems to be everywhere. In recent weeks, over 400 envelopes, containing a 10,000 yen bill ($80), were left in public men's toilets. Residents of a Tokyo apartment building found a total of 1.81 million yen ($15,210) stuffed into their mailboxes. In another part of the city, a total of a million yen was falling out of sky. Surprisingly, almost all of the money has been turned in to the police, as most of the people who find the money fear that it may be tainted profits from criminal activity. "People are very, very worried," said one lucky recipient of the free cash. "Put yourself in our shoes. We are very anxious." (BBC)

A RUSE UNTIL ...

At CustomReceipts.com, you can order fake bank machine receipts that make it appear that you have several hundred grand stashed in your savings account. "Trying to impress that hottie at the bar?" asks the Web site. "Hand out your number on the back of one of our fake ATM receipts. They're a player's dream come true."

DON'T WORRY, BE FLAKY

The Invincible America Assembly (InvincibleAmerica.org) boasts over 1,800 members who meditate daily to spread positive vibes around the planet. So far, the group takes credit for record-breaking stock market numbers, the lowest unemployment rate in six years, a decrease in destructive hurricanes, and shutting down North Korea's nuclear reactor. With the number of meditators projected to climb to 2,500 within 12 months, the group promises a major drop in crime and the virtual elimination of all major social and political woes. The IAA believes that 8,000 meditators worldwide will bring world peace and a virtual global utopia.

HORTON HEARS A HALLUCINOGENIC WHO

An orchestral composer out of the Czech Republic has claimed that he steals most of his music from singing mushrooms in the forest near his home. Composer Vaclav Halek, who has written 2,000 songs, numerous film and theater scores and one symphony, says the secret to his prolific musical output lies in the frequent walks he takes in the woods, where he carries a pencil and paper and lies down near a pile of fungi and listens intently. "I simply record music that a mushroom sings to me," says Halek, who claims that music also comes from rocks and trees, but that mushrooms sing the best melodies. (Smh.com.au)

I-READ-IT-ON-THE-INTERNET-SO-IT-MUST-BE-TRUE FACT OF THE WEEK:

Criminals with large moustaches intimidate their victims more than criminals with small moustaches or clean-shaven criminals.

More bizarro news at CuriousTimes.com.