Opinion » Lingo Yarns

Withdrawal Symptoms


My headaches wouldn't subside on Monday. My eyes wouldn't focus. I felt like I was coming down with a virus, a cold or even worse, the bird flu. I had just come back from San Francisco, flying on a cramped plane with other potential virus bombs just waiting to explode. Then there are two birds making a nest in the tree right over where I park at home. They keep dropping sticks and shit on my truck. I wonder if the bird flu can be passed through feces?

Today, however, all my strange symptoms have miraculously gone away. The tonic that cured my mysterious ailments was before me the whole time. I had simply forgotten to drink my regular cup o' Joe for two days straight, and had been going through caffeine withdrawals. It's kind of scary when you think about it, how a simple little stimulant in coffee can have such a powerful effect on your physical being.

While there are no less than a half-dozen coffee shops within a four-block radius of the office, we go through so much of the java that we have to have those mega cans of it from Costco. But it can be hit or miss when it comes to being good. It seems that the advertising side of the office prefers their coffee to be brown, a weakened, thinned out version of how the editorial department prefers theirs. How ironic that the people who sit at their desk all day writing prefer to be super-stimulated with a black tar goo that can eat through steel, whereas the "upbeat" sales team drinks the weak stuff, even though they're the ones "on the go."

I'm on my second cup of the day now. The "twitch" I usually get halfway between the first and second cup has now morphed in to a "tick," but that's a small price to pay to avoid the looming shadow of the DTs brought on by withdrawal. I know caffeine isn't good for me, but imagine a world gone cold turkey. Cats and dogs would fall from the sky, parents would eat their children and civilization would cease to exist as we know it. I have no doubt that a terrorist could do more damage to Westen civilization by interrupting the global coffee trade than almost any other act.