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Wink May 19, 2004

Killer Weather On the Way

A sharp warming trend has struck both Idaho and numerous other locations across the Northern Hemisphere in recent months, causing some meteorologists to ask: is the clock running out on the human race? "Temperatures during May are noticeably higher than April's highs, which were in turn noticeably higher than March's," explains Professor Luca Dawindow at the Department of Impulsive Meteorological Conclusions. "Due to the widespread and consistent nature of this temperature shift, we initially thought that global warming was to blame. However, such a rapid onset makes me suspect that a much greater power is responsible--like perhaps the wrath of a vengeful God, or maybe a terrorist weather machine." If these current trends continue, Prof. Dawindow posits, the Earth could be rendered uninhabitable by Halloween. "That trick sure ain't no treat, people," he warns.

To further complicate this potentially dire situation, Earth's southern hemisphere is locked in a cooling trend which perfectly complements the north's warmth. "Precipitation levels have skyrocketed and temperatures have dropped everywhere from Austrailia to Argentina," reports Prof. Dawindow. "It is almost as if our beautiful winter weather, the lifeblood of our American skiing industry, has leapt directly to our southern neighbors in some grand cosmic joke. Is it a coincidence that this shift corresponds with the release of The Day After Tomorrow, a movie about the coming of a second ice age? I think not!" Prof. Dawindow went on to explain that the most reasonable scientific explanation of these meteorological anomalies was that the sun had spun off of its axis and was no longer reliably circling the earth.

Bush: Rumz Rulez!

President Bush shocked pundits and peons alike this week when he declared in a press conference that not only is embattled Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld "doing a superb job," but that he is in fact "the best secretary of defense" in United States history. Rumsfeld, whose questionable handling of information about American abuse of Iraqi prisoners in Abu Ghraib has many political leaders calling for his resignation, was present to hear the flattering remarks. However, his tight-lipped visage soon changed to a worried gape during the question and answer session that followed Bush's speech.

Responding to a Boise Weekly reporter's request to back up the adulation with a specific comparison of Rumsfeld's achievements with those of other Secretaries of Defense, Bush appeared taken aback. "Well, I can think of at least three guys that he's definitely better than," the President replied after a pause. "There was that one who violated our sacred military tradition by letting all the homers in (Les Aspin, formulator of the "Don't ask, don't tell" policy), that other guy who wanted to let the commies win (Robert McNamara, who resigned after failing to convince Lyndon Johnson to back out of Vietnam) and ... um ... oh yeah: Gerald Ford's old Secretary of Defense, the one who was directly responsible for placing Saddam Hussein in office a few years later. What a gomer that guy was! Anyone remember his name?" When informed that the former Secretary and Special Military Envoy to Iraq of which he spoke was in fact Rumsfeld, Bush's normally calm and dopey demeanor appeared shaken.

"Really?" he asked to Rumsfeld, who nodded nervously in reply. "No, really? Man, I just figured that guy was your daddy or something. Well I'll be. You sure bunged that one up, didn't you?" At this point the President was whisked off stage by his handlers, one of whom informed reporters that Bush "needed a timeout."