I've been hearing the rumor for months. Supposedly, Val Kilmer has been seen in Boise. And not in the "Where the hell is the road I take to get out of here?" way, either. The rumor goes that he was seen drinking coffee and reading newspapers, that sort of thing. You know ... like he's staying here!
I said, "Nah, you're nuts. Why would Val Kilmer be drinking coffee in Boise? Val Kilmer could be drinking coffee anywhere he damn well pleases. You just saw someone that looks like Val Kilmer."
But the reports kept coming. More and more people were saying they had seen an individual who looks so much like Val Kilmer, they actually believed they saw the real Val Kilmer. And not all of them accepted my assessment that they were nuts.
So I have decided to start a well-intentioned movement. The "You're Crazy If You Think Val Kilmer Is Staying In Boise" movement. It may not seem like such a big deal to you if some want to believe he's here, but it is my conviction that far too many Americans are already living with far too many delusions. Guardian angels, for one. Polls show there is an alarming percentage of Americans who claim they have a guardian angel looking out for them. I ask, "Have you ever seen this guardian angel that's looking out for you?" And they say, "Not that I know of, but who knows what a guardian angel looks like, anyway?" And I say, "Why would you have a guardian angel when every day, other people have horrible things happen to them? Don't they have a guardian angel, too?" And they say, "I don't know how to answer that but I know I have a guardian angel or I would certainly be dead right now as we speak!" And I say, "What's that prove?" And they say, "Well, I'm still alive aren't I!?" And this is the problem with trying to make sense to delusional people, isn't it? You can't.
Even worse, look at the number of people who believe what they hear on Fox News! You say, "OK, Bill, there are only 2 ... 3 million, tops ... people who even watch Fox News, which means there are 300-some million people who don't watch Fox News. Why are you so worried that a couple million people might actually believe what Fox News tells them?" And you're right. They are probably not worth the worry. But it creeps me out to think there are more Americans who believe what Fox News tells them than live in the whole state of Idaho. Think of it this way: If respectable scientists were to prove beyond all doubt that there really are werewolves, would it be all that damn comforting to learn that only one out of every 100 people you pass on the street was a werewolf?
No. I don't think so.
Sadly, I have learned there is not much I can do to influence those who believe in guardian angels or Fox News. But disproving Val Kilmer's presence in Boise shouldn't be that tough. After all, there are no gray areas to this. Val Kilmer is either staying in Boise, or he is not staying in Boise.
However, I do admit, since I started the "You're Crazy If You Think Val Kilmer Is Staying In Boise" movement, I have been plagued with doubts. After all, I realized, is it not true that George Kennedy lives in Eagle? George Kennedy? ... the very man without whom Cool Hand Luke might not have been so cool ... in Eagle? And did not the late Forrest Tucker ... the very man without whom F Troop would not have been so ... uh ... F Troop-y ... settle in McCall?
But there is empirical evidence these men either are or were here. I have, with my own eyes, seen them interviewed on local television productions. Their presence in Idaho is demonstrable. It is not a delusion to believe they are (or were) where they are said to be.
The same cannot be said about Val Kilmer. I find no evidence that Val Kilmer has ever been interviewed on local television or by the local print media. Every detail about the alleged presence of Mr. Kilmer in Boise is hearsay and anecdotal. So today, I'm offering Val Kilmer--if indeed he is anywhere near Boise--the opportunity to separate himself from the goofy fringes of guardian angels and Fox News. All it will take is an interview with a bona fide local media representative--being me. Honestly, Val, you couldn't find any more sympathetic an ear. I have seen every one of your movies except for some of them, and I would ask you only the most professional of questions. I would like to think you would be greatly impressed by the depth of my interviewing skills. First question, of course, would be, "Val Kilmer, are you or are you not staying in Boise?" but after that, there is no telling how deep we could go.
And I wouldn't giggle. Any other local media representative would giggle, I'm sure of it. I've seen them work. No way is Carolyn Holly or Larry Gebert going to get through an interview with Val Kilmer without giggling. But not me. I am not impressed or stricken giggly by movie stars or boyish good looks. In fact, I would like to think we could be buddies, Val. I imagine you might even come to my house and we could split a pizza or play Pictionary. I imagine, even, that you might be wildly interested in an idea for a movie script I've been thinking about writing someday. We'll just have to see how the weekend goes, right?
Of course, this all hinges on whether you're staying in Boise or not. If you are, call me. We'll line something up. If you aren't? ... well, hey ... doesn't that just go to show how ridiculously deluded some people can get?