Opinion » Ted Rall

What Would Republican Jesus Do?

Miracles of the trickle-down messiah


NEW YORK--And it came to pass that Republican Jesus met with His advisers, strategists and corporate cronies. He took them and withdrew apart to a deserted city called Bethesda. But the multitudes followed Him nonetheless. So Republican Jesus asked His cronies to build Him a great stadium where He could welcome members of the multitudes able to pay Him an admission fee and purchase vast quantities of licensed merchandise at exorbitant prices.

He welcomed these people and sent off those who needed medical attention to a land called Canada.

The light of the day began to wane, so His toadies said to Republican Jesus: "Send these stinky riffraff away, that we may cross the Beltway to our home, and get steaks and baked potatoes and double martinis and crème brulées, for here we are in a barren place with naught but a TCBY and a vestigial relic of the Hardee's chain."

He answered them: "Stop whining, for God's sake. You will soon have more than enough to eat."

They said to Him: "But we have a mere five Power-bars and two Diet Cokes. We are 12 advisers, strategists and corporate sycophants, and many of us are portly, and with all due respect, that sucks hard."

He told His hangers-on: "Sit down, shut up, and give me all of your money." After exchanging cynical glances, they did dig into their wallets and gave Him their loot. With that Republican Jesus raced to his waiting SUV and ordered his chauffeur to fly like the wind.

"As a rising tide lifts all boats," He cried from his speeding automobile, "so shall you benefit from the increased economic activity generated by the money you have given Me! I will buy Myself a sumptuous banquet and several portable electronic devices and also ho's, creating jobs in the food/electronic/ho sectors that you will take in order to feed yourselves. Give a man a fish and he eats a fish, but teach a man to fish at rock-bottom wages and we all shall eat his fish."

After Republican Jesus performed this miracle, his erstwhile suck-ups drew lots to determine which of them would be eaten first.

Then Republican Jesus turned his attention to household affairs. His mother Republican Mary said to Him: "Your father Republican Joseph is away on business, but do not worry, for he has left us with ample savings. Moreover, positive cash flow is projected for many years to come.

Republican Jesus said to her: "What does that have to do with me?"

Now there were six bricks of cash hidden by the elder Mr. Christ in a lockbox, containing one trillion dollars each. Republican Jesus ordered his mother: "Set Dad's money on fire." Republican Jesus had been hitting the sauce and talking crazy, so she complied. "Now go to the temple," He continued, "and borrow 10 more bricks from the moneylenders."

When Joseph returned, he didn't know where the extra four bricks of cash had come from. (Mary knew, but didn't dare tell him.) Joseph told Republican Jesus: "I don't know how you did it, but our days of independent carpentry are over. Let's launch a hostile takeover of Home Depot!"

Spying one of the moneylenders walking toward them, Republican Jesus took his leave.

As He was later walking through the grounds of his whites-only country club, behold, there was an African groundskeeper suffering from AIDS. When he saw Republican Jesus, he fell down and begged Him, saying, "Lord, if you want to, you can cure my affliction." Cannily recoiling to avoid infection, Republican Jesus directed the man to a website that pledged millions of dollars to fight AIDS in Africa. "You took that money away from AIDS spending here," the diseased man tried to point out, but the official chroniclers deemed his comment uninteresting and unworthy of investigation. And so it never occurred.

It was at this time that someone came to Republican Jesus to tell Him of the death of a certain man, Lazarus. So Republican Jesus appealed to the Roman military governor, Pontius Pilate. "Proconsul," He said in the city forum, "evildoers from the east have slain Lazarus and other taxpaying citizens. We must therefore assemble a great army of slaves equipped with the sharpest swords to invade Parthia and its allies. Only by making the sands of Parthia run red with Parthian blood shall we avenge Lazarus, liberate Parthia's oppressed vassal states and eliminate the threat posed by their illegal and illicit catapults."

Pilate tried to argue with Republican Jesus. "Our glorious emperor Augustus has exchanged observers with the Parthian court at Nisa as part of a treaty of peace. No one has seen the catapults you describe. And Lazarus died from medical malpractice. Parthia had nothing to do with it."

"Can you take that chance? Do you trust your safety to Parthia?" Republican Jesus goaded the crowd. "Will you stand idly by while Parthia re-arms on the road to a smoky cloud over a burning Rome? Are you wussies?"

"No!" the crowd roared as He rolled his eyes. And so one Roman army after another marched east, never to return. And this became known as the miracle of the vanishing soldiers.