Opinion » Bill Cope


Badger Bob drops the 'W' bomb


Read the title. That's what it's about this week--the w**** of lives from Bush's abomination in Iraq. And I'll be dipped in s*** if I apologize for saying it. If it's an apology you want for calling a duck a duck, go to Obama. Go to McCain. But don't come to me. If you think that makes me a bad, insensitive sonofab****, I don't give a d***. Believe me, I've been called a bad, insensitive sonofab**** by better people than you.

After McCain backed off like a whipped pup, I was so mad I couldn't see straight. I knew that if I didn't get this out of my system, I'd pop a major gizzard. So I asked Billy if I could borrow his column space for a day, and as it turned out, he was happy to have me do it. "Geemanee, Bob. I was already thinking about asking you to write my column this week. It's like ... uh, cosmic 'r sumthin'... that you and I were thinking the same thing, huh?"

"Uh huh, Cope. Cosmic as all h***. What's your excuse for wanting me to fill in this time?"

"'Cause last week, I, uh, sort of implied that the employees at Boise Weekly are drunks and sluts ... which isn't true, not even a little bit ... and even if it were, I shouldn't have done it. But I can't take it back and, uh ... well, to tell you the truth, I'm a little afraid to go there for a while. They might be ... uh, you know. Mad. 'R sumthin'."

"Yup. They'll be mad, all right," I agreed. "You're absolutely right. You amaze me, Cope ... the way you figure things out like that. You're so smaaaawrt." I wasn't about to tell him they probably weren't mad. That they probably hadn't even read his dumba** column. That they probably knew him well enough not to take him seriously, anyway. All I wanted was to get my hands on his space, and if that meant patting his widdle back until he burped, so be it.

That's right. If something needs to be said badly enough, I'll turn whore if that's what it takes to get it said. I ain't proud of the fact, but at least it's better than being a whore to avoid saying what needs to be said. Or worse yet ... saying it, then claiming that's not what you meant.

Cope wanted to know what I intended to write and I told him. "It's about the lives Bush and Cheney and the rest of those twisted b******s have w****d in Iraq."

"Geemanee, Bob. You're not going to say 'w****d' are you? Gosh A'mighty, aren't you worried you're gonna make people mad ? Couldn't you find another word. Like, how 'bout 'sacrificed.' Now, that's a good word. Nobody'll get mad if you say 'sacrificed.'"

"Cope, when a sacrifice accomplishes nothing, that makes it a w****. But tell you what ... the day someone can show me this rotten war has accomplished anything but utter chaos, I'll take it back."

"How about Saddam? The war got rid of Saddam, at least."

"Yeah. And it only took 100,000 lives to do it. Some f***ing accomplishment!"

What kills me about these conservative dingleberries is how they p*** and moan about wanting politicians to be straight with them, to give them the truth. To "tell it like it is." All that "No Spin Zone" crud, you know? Then they come apart like Chinese knock-offs when it happens. Look what they've tried to do to Joe Wilson. Even after Scooter's conviction, even after Cheney and Rove have been implicated, even after Bush's promise to clean house has been proven empty and honorless, they're still trying to change the story line, one lie at a time. "Valerie Plame wasn't a covert agent!" they whine. "No real crime was committed except perjury!" they whimper. Anything to draw attention away from the fact Wilson "told it like it is" about the uranium.

Look what they're trying to do to Gore's message. "It's all sun flares!" they whoop. "Greenland used to be farmland!" they holler. The s***heel Right would rather listen to a sick b**** like Coulter spew up her slime than hear anything that doesn't fit into their little fairyland brains. Like a buddy of mine said, conservatives have been so wrong about everything, they're left with no choice but to deny whatever's right.

Then comes Barak Obama and John McCain, who only said what 70 percent of the country already knows anyway--that soldiers dying in that s***hole is a w****--and the Bushies go nuts. "You ain't showing proper respect for the sacrifices of our military!" they shriek. "You ain't showing proper consideration for the families of our dead!" they screech.

Bulls***! Just look at Walter Reed, and you can see how much respect they have for the soldiers or consideration they have for the families. Phony c*********s! Every word out of their mouths, every sentiment and value they pretend to have, every loyalty or allegiance they swear to, it's nothing more than cheap theater. They deliver lines written for them by someone else and they have respect for nothing but their own power. If they really gave a d*** about the soldiers, the soldiers wouldn't be there, dying for nothing.

Am I gonna offend those who've lost someone over there by saying it was for nothing? I'm sure I will. Part of them anyway. Others already know what a w**** it is. They may not like the word. I don't care much for it, either--that's why I'm so f***ing mad--but changing words won't change reality: 3,200 young Americans dead, God-only-knows how many Iraqis, and what do we have to show for it? What ground have we secured? Whose existence have we brightened? What noble purpose have we served? I tell you, the only people who will come out of this anywhere above zero is that bunch of Haliburton p****s, and they're not worth w***ing one life on. Let alone 3,200.

"Geemanee," Billy gasps. "What do you hope to accomplish by calling it a w****?"

"They got us into this because nearly everyone who might have stopped it wouldn't look the truth square in the eye, Cope, and I don't believe we'll ever get out of it until we do. As long as people try to justify this travesty somehow, Bush'll go right on w***ing our boys and girls."

"So, uh ... how's about if I give your column the final look-over, Bob. Before it goes in the paper? Huh? After all, it's my name on the top of the page."

"Yeah, OK. But you'd better not drop a single word, Cope. I mean what I say. Not a g****** word."

"Gosh A'mighty, Bob. Okee-dokee. I won't take out anything. I sure wouldn't want to make you mad, er nothing. Every word you write will be there, one way or another. I promise."