Today, we have a speech George W. Bush has not yet delivered in support of Mitt Romney--and it's unlikely he ever will deliver it, as it appears Romney would rather be seen on stage with a 200-pound tap-dancing turd than George W. Bush. Bush didn't actually write this speech. I did. I was inspired to do so after watching Bill Clinton a couple weeks back speak on behalf of President Barack Obama. I thought it fitting and timely to remind readers what we got the last time we elected a privileged son of extreme wealth with a peculiar way of saying things.
If you object to me putting words in Bush's mouth, I assure you, I have used many of his own statements (in italics), just as he first expressed them, along with the year they were originally sputtered. Whatever isn't an exact (or near-exact, adjusted for current realities) quote from the good old Bush days was written with faithful consideration of his unique sense of humor, enunciation, syntax, verb tense and thought patterns.
To anyone still offended I would presume to write a speech for this man, I must ask: surely you don't believe he ever wrote one for himself, do you?
"Good evening, lady and gentlemen, and thank you for that big clapping. I see a lot of the bubbas who worked in my administration who've shown up. (2003) How you doing, Rummy? You here looking for another job, heh heh? And there's Big Dick. Got some color back in your face, looks like. Must of been the best ticker money could buy, heh heh. I tell you what, MittBoy ... that man there is who you oughta pick for your vice president. There have been no finer vice president of the United States than Dick Cheney. (2003) And no law I know says he can't be vice president as many times as he feels like it, is there? Anybody got a book? Look it up, would ya'?
"This is an impressive crowd. The haves and the have mores. Some people call you the elite. I call you our base. (2000) And it's good y'all come out for the Mittster here. He's gonna make a excellent president, isn't he? I'd say us Republicans picks us a winner, wouldn't you? Mitty, you're doing a heck of a job. (2005) What about old Fit Mitt here is the same as they used to thinks about me. They misunderestimated me (2000), and now they're misunderestimating Mitten here. But he's like me. I know what I believe, I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe, and I believe what I believe is right. (2001)
"That's what Mittaroony here believes, too. He's believes, uh, what I call them the job generators, uh, that they should be more opportunity given to not pay taxes, which is what I believe and did back when I was the decider. Old Mitto here will get us right back to those economical foundations, uh, that is the economical foundations of our current prosperousness right up until it wasn't no more. Mitt ... heh heh, am I saying that right? ... 'Mitt' like in zit? ... heh heh, the Mitt-Dawg here believes that, too, uh, that the way out of this economical recession is to take it back to the, uh, what I call, uh, the conditions ... uh, of the economical before the recession what the Obama say made the recession happen.
"What I say to that Obama is, there's an old saying in Tennessee ... I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee, too... that says, 'fool me once, shame on ... uh, shame on you. Fool me, uh ... you can't get fooled again.' (2002) And Mittsky here won't. It's just like I told a divorcee once who worked three jobs to support her children. I said to her, 'You work three jobs? ... Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that.' (2005)
"The Mitt Bomb here gets what I got at. He'll being just what we need for the future of this uniqueish country and divorced women like her who have that entrepreneurialist spirit to work three jobs when others would sit back and only work one or two. That's why I, uh, calling myself a compassionate conservative. Because I believe the benefits of helping someone is beneficial. (2000)
"I see some of you brought your young'uns. That's, uh, a good deal. Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream. (2000) And Mitt-Full here isn't afraid to ask the same question I ask once. Is our children learning? (2000) I know the old Mitt Muffin will finish off what I starting to better our children learning. If you teach a child to read, he or her will be able to pass a literacy test. (2001) We want results in every single classroom so that one single child is left behind. (2003) Any skeptic about what I'm talkin' about oughta come and talk to the people who know what they're talkin' about. (2003)
Another thing. Just like me, old Kid Mitt here won't be afraid to do what it taking for makes Americas safe. We marched to war. I don't if you remember, on your TV screens ... it said 'March to War.' You turn on the TV, and there it says: 'March to War.' (2003) Our enemies never stop thinking about ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we. (2004) Our answer is bring them on. (2003) Isn't that about right, Mitty? Bring 'em on, heh heh.
What I mean by saying is, by making the right choices, we can make the right choice for our future. (2003) This is historic times (2003), and I want to thank you for what you're fixing to do, which is to man the grass roots. (2003) Now what say we be gittin' old Mitt-Man in the White House so's he can take up where I left off?