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Vidiot

There goes the bride: Hollywood's inadvertent wedding tips

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On the last Saturday in August, after years of dating, months of planning and weeks of unbelievably intense stress, I finally got married. On the topic of weddings and how to maintain a successful marriage thereafter, I got advice--most of it good--from everyone under the sun. But when it came time for this Vidiot to feel like he was truly ready to exchange nuptials, there was one final entity whose opinion he needed: Hollywood's.

The initial idea was to rent every title having anything to do with weddings, but that was quickly nixed. Inputting the keyword "wedding" as a search in Netflix returns page after page of results. So I instead revisited a handful of iconic marriage-related and romantic films, taking away a surprisingly long list of lessons during my Marriage Movie Marathon. My top seven recommendations are as follows:

1. Do not let exes come within 100 feet of you or your future spouse (per My Best Friend's Wedding and Sweet Home Alabama). If a former lover shows up, run. He or she has one of two intentions: to ruin your ceremony or steal away your significant other.

2. Do not hire wedding support personnel that are the least bit interesting or attractive (per The Wedding Planner and The Wedding Singer). Maybe you and your future spouse weren't meant to be. Let your other half's addiction to Pokemon cards indicate this; don't find out when somebody who resembles Jennifer Lopez or is as funny as Adam Sandler has stolen him or her away.

3. Your family is crazy. So is everyone else's (per Meet the Parents, Meet the Fockers and Monster in Law), so relax. Don't worry what that distant cousin or parent will wear or is going to say during the wedding toasts. Assume it's something ridiculously embarrassing and focus on important stuff like dancing better than the rest of your line.

4. If someone displays signs of being an asshole, he is an asshole. Heck, if someone looks like an asshole, he is an asshole (per The Wedding Singer and Love Potion No. 9). An asshole is an asshole is an asshole. And anyone who can wriggle the word "asshole" eight times into a single paragraph of a movie column is a great writer.

5. If your wedding falls through, don't fret; your most attractive opposite-sex friend will happily marry you instead (per The Wedding Singer and Love Potion No. 9). Really, if this is an issue for you, maybe you should've looked a bit closer to home in the first place. Marry your best friend--isn't that what the experts say, anyway?

6. Do not watch movies about weddings if you are experiencing cold feet (per every movie about weddings). Seriously, with as many hijinks as the lead characters in wedding films experience, it's a wonder moviegoers ever get married.

7. Marry somebody awesome (per the Estvold wedding video, recorded on a friend's digital camera). I couldn't have picked a more perfect partner than Mrs. Vidiot if I had written her role myself. So in concluding this entry, I'll say what I plan to utter again 50 years from now: "... And they lived awesomely ever after." :