Attn.: William Oope
I have messaged you repeatedly with no response and am suspecting some malfunctory condition is responsible. Is it possible your current e-mail listing is not the one to which I am attempting to access your in-box? Please confirm if the contact information I have on you is accurate, that I am addressing you at the correct address—firstname.lastname@example.org—and send notification if I need to make any up-boots to my Rolodex app.
The urgency with which I have been trying to reach you reflects what has been described to me as a dependable "go-to guy-ness" quality in your general recommendations. I have been told that on a broad range of subjects, no one in the Greater Boise Metropolitan Impact Zone is any better than you for spotting trends and determining from which vole holes those tendencies might emerge. Last winter, if you remember, I approached you about a position in the Bronco Coverage Division of the G.A.G. Media Group, as I understand you are a leading authority on all things Bronco. It is said that if one is seeking insights into anything from economics to the feasibility of using Rottweilers to monitor school hallways, you are the mouth to whom it is best to press one's ear.
You were also described to me as a genius on the subject of political ins and outs. G.A.G.'s most pressing need at present is for someone who can make sense of the 2010 election cycle and predict for whom it is going to be a bad year. Our production department has whacked itself ragged trying to sloganize the direction into which current political winds are puffing, but as soon as they think they see a clear trend, something comes along and snuffles it up. Our poor news coverage team does not know whether to spit up or giggle, they are so confused.
As wise in the ways of political back-and-forthness as you are, I'm sure you already know what I mean. A few months ago, based on the outcome of a special senatorial election to replace a deceased Kennedy, all those pundit people were convinced it was going to be a bad year for Democrats. Then Democrats won almost every election that ran them against a Republican. So then everyone said it was going to be a bad year for incumbents. Which turned out to be true for the incumbents who lost, but not for the incumbents who won.
Most recently, it was widely ballyhooed that it looks to be an excellent year for women candidates, what with so many of them prevailing in last Tuesday's primaries. Yet as one of the cleaning crew here in the G.A.G. Election Central observed, "Yeah, but that doesn't count the women who lost." Furthermore, at one time it appeared those Tea Party paraders were going to upset the whole apple pie. Now we're hearing from many in-the-loop types that the only thing those dangly bag people will upset is the GOP's chances for ever winning back a majority in Congress.
And what about the Libertarian movement? Is it coming? Or going? And Sarah Palin? Is she or isn't she?
The point is, as a professional news-spreading organization, we simply cannot go all the way to November guessing at what is up! We need a person on our team to whom our anchors can turn after every little development and ask, "What does this development say to you, Willy? Is it going to be a bad year for someone, or not?"
You could be that person, Mr. Oope. If everything I've heard about you is true, you would provide our G.A.G. broadcasts with exactly what they are often missing: a firm sense of them knowing what they are talking about. Feel free to voice mail me (208-555-5555) or e-mail me (email@example.com) or contact me in any way you feel most comfortable.
—Carol Dee O'Mealy/H.R. Dir./G.A.G. Media Group
Dear Carol Dee,
As I tried to tell you six months ago—and in spite of what the U.S. Postal Service thinks—Bill Cope and Willy Oope are two entirely different people. But after receiving your letter, I detected a persistent botherment if I didn't do something proactive. So I have taken it upon myself to track Mr. Oope down and relay your proposal on to him.
He was relatively easy to find, your Mr. Oope. I was directed by his landlady to try any one of a dozen West Boise bars, starting at 1 p.m. and proceeding on until the "We're not giving you another goddamn drink, Willy, no matter who you threaten" hour. I came across him in the fourth tavern I tried, and your intelligence on him is entirely correct, Ms. O'Mealy. He is a fount of information. He knows all there is to know about everything, as near as I could tell, and he's more than happy to share it.
He seemed genuinely thrilled to learn that word of his particular genius had reached such august ears as the G.A.G. Group. I passed on your contact information and during the time it took to finish the beer he bought me, I even helped him figure out which pocket he'd tucked your number into.
By the way, I believe Willy has a special feel for Sarah Palin's position in the political spectrum. Every time her name came up, he roared out to the bartender, "Sure wouldn't kick her out o' bed for eating crackers!" And my sense is, this wasn't the first time the bartender had heard his opinion on the matter.
I'm sure he'll get in touch soon, Carol Dee. And good luck when he does.