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There goes my plan to hire monkeys to write this column • My, what a lovely gun you're pointing at my face • What they play in purgatory

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THERE GOES MY PLAN to Hire MONKEYS TO WRITE THIS COLUMN

Bored college students continue the ongoing quest to discover if an infinite number of monkeys will ever write some Shakespeare. A few years ago, an experiment in the UK, which charted the creative output of six monkeys for a month, concluded that the monkeys' only talent was destroying the typewriters. So we turn to the virtual world for answers with the Monkey Shakespeare Simulator, a program which replicates the random typing of a massive number of cyber-monkeys over billions of years. So far the monkeys have taken 2,737,850 million billion billion billion years to finally type the phrase "Rumour. Open your ears ..." from Henry IV, Part 2. Statistical mathematicians estimate that you stand a better chance of winning the lottery a hundred times in a row than the infinite monkeys have of typing the phrase "To be or not to be, that is the question." (Stuff.co.nz)

MY, WHAT A LOVELY GUN YOU'RE POINTING AT MY FACE

A new style of dealing with would-be bank robbers is being credited with an almost 50 percent drop in bank heists in Washington so far this year. According to the new methodology, excessive friendliness and an overdose of courtesy toward suspicious-looking characters can get them to rethink their criminal intent. "If you're a legitimate customer, you think, 'This is the friendliest person I've met in my life,'" says Drew Ness, president of Bellevue's First Mutual Bank. "If you're a bad guy, it scares the lights out of you." (AP)

A HEALTHY LUNCH NOW

INCLUDES A COUPLE OF STRAWBERRY MARGARITAS

Break open the bar and let's celebrate the good news that fruity cocktails are now considered a health food. While trying to explore ways to help keep fruit fresh during storage, a team of U.S. and Thai scientists accidently discovered that a splash of alcohol increases the antioxidant nutrients in fruits such as strawberries and blackberries. Cheers! (Reuters)

WHAT THEY PLAY IN PURGATORY

Before you put good money down for a new Foosball table, you might want to check out www.20LTD.com, a company that sells extremely limited edition (read: extremely expensive) one-of-a-kind items. Their current coolest product is the Good Vs. Evil Foosball table, with players designed to look like various good and evil dudes from throughout history. Team Evil includes Lucifer, Caligula, Hitler, Jack the Ripper, Vlad the Impaler and Pol Pot, going head-to-head with Team Good, captained by God, of course, and including Mother Teresa, Ghandi, Mary Poppins and Santa Claus at goal.

SOME GODS LOVE YOU,

OTHERS RAPE YOU

Here's the worst defense for raping your stepdaughter (not that there is a good defense). An Australian man claims that he was in a trance and performing actions commanded to him after his body was taken over by an ancient Egyptian god of sexuality and fertility, Min. The 14-year-old victim of this sicko testified in court that even her own mother encouraged her to have sex with "Min," convincing her that the being had god-like powers which would make her forget that she had been molested as a child, and teach her how to have multiple orgasms. Thankfully, the brainwashing didn't work, as the daughter eventually went to the police in order to protect her siblings from similar abuse. (News.com.au)

HE'LL eat POISONED SOUP WHEN HE GETS TO HELL

Our next contestant in 2007's Worst Parent (make that Worst Human) competition will spend the next five years in a federal prison after he poisoned his children's soup in a messed-up attempt to extort money from the Campbell Soup Company. William Allen Cunningham, 41, pleaded guilty to the charges after he sent his children to the hospital on two separate poisoning attempts back in January. The first time, he forced his 3-year-old son and 18-month-old daughter to eat soup laced with hot peppers and lighter fluid. The second time, he spiced up the soup with prescription antidepressants. (AP)

ACTUALLY, THEY'RE CUTE

And if your "Things to Do Before I Die" list includes helping to pay for a young man to surgically remove his man-boobs, here's your chance. Go do your good deed for the day at RemoveMyManBoobs.com. :

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