Opinion » Bill Cope

The Great White Horse

Red has a new stake in this election


"Red! Look at you all dressed up. White shirt. Tie. Bicycle helmet. What's all this about? And who's your young friend?"

"Cope, meet my bicycle buddy, Brigham X Aeleahakamonee. He come all the way here from New Provo on one of them Owyhian Islands to spread the word, an' I'm showing him the ropes of good old Mur'dian. I told 'em I'd do anything they asks me to do, except I had to do it here in Mur'dian so's I could get home quick if'n the power went out on my meat locker. Now Cope, what don'tcha know about us Latter-day Sainters that you been dyin' to ask 'bout?"

"Uh, hold on, Red. Are you telling me you're a ... a ...?"

"Yup! Nows I am. An' this'n be the very first day of my mission. It's supposed to go a couple o' years, but I'm hopin' I can get some time shaved off if I bring in a snoot-full of converts."

"But didn't you belong to the Church of the Holy somethingorother Covenant in the Vineyard of somethingsomething Christ the Ascensioning Adventist? Or something like that."

"I did. Yup, up 'til just a couple weeks ago, I did. Been a member of that church ever since some feller what preaches Sunday nights on public access TV was telling about how the church what I was brought up in is the Whore of Babylawn. Like in the Book of Revulootions, you know? Wull brother Cope, I sure didn't wanna be part o' no Whore of Babylawn, so's I packed my wife and kids over to that Christian church. An' I gotta admit, it was a dang good 'un. Ever' Wens'dee night, they run classes on how to build your own storage shed out o' sod and how to make mighty tasty casseroles out them freeze-dried survival food packets we all stocked up on back when Barack Obama got elected."

"So why'd you go Mormon?"

"Cope, the way I figure it, this is the best time ever to be a Mormon. We're just a months away from having our first LSD president, an'... "

"That's not at all a sure thing, Red, and I believe you mean 'LDS.'"

"What'd I say? Did I say 'LSD' again? Gull durn, that little boner almost kept me outa the fold. Anyway, we're gonna have our first LDS president ... no matter what you say, Cope ... an' he'll be filling all sort of positions, ya' know? Appointing securtaries o' this and that, and chief of who'sit and ambassadors to whatever. And them fellers'll be filling up their guv'mint buildings with other appointees, and so on, right down the line to what guys get picked to head up things like the Office of Salmonella Inspectors and the Bureau of Indian Casinos. Sos if'n this ain't a good time to be a Mormon, you tell me when is."

"Then this is a career decision you've made? Sort of like you're using your newly found faith as, uh ... let's call it venture capital?"

"Wull Cope, where's it says in the Bible nor the BOM that a man ..."

"The 'BOM'?"

"Book of Mormon, idjut. So's where's it say a man can't be a bona fide believer and be trying to move hisself up in the world at the same time. An' besides, it ain't all just about getting a better job. You ever heard of the White Horse, Cope? The White Horse what will come an' save America from total ruination in the nick o' time?"

"Uh-huh. I've heard of it, the White Horse Prophecy made by Joseph Smith ... supposedly."

"Yup. Old Joe said there'd come a day when the Constitution'll be hanging by a skinny, skinny thread. No bigger than a hair off'n your fanny, Cope! An' it'll take a White Horse to come roarin' in and save the whole kit'n'caboodle. Wull, don't you see how the Constitution is hangin' by a skinny thread right now?"

"Let me guess. You see Mitt Romney as the White Horse. Right?"

"Wull think 'bout it. Is there anyone whiter? And he's got a horse! See what I'm gettin' at? That fancy dancin' horse o' his? I don't imagine the horse is what's gonna save the country. I think old Joe Smith meant that a white feller is the White Horse, even if the horse he rides in on is brown. An' I'm guessing if old Joe were alive today, it'd be the 'White Cadillac Prophecy.' But hows can you not see the writing on the wall, Cope? It's right there in front of ya."

"Red, you know, don't you, that even the Mormon poobahs don't acknowledge the White Horse Prophecy? There is controversy over whether Smith even said it."

"Yeah, that's what they tell outsiders. But to the true-blue Sainters like me and Brigham X here, see ... we know when to know when them church elders are saying things just to make you gentilers stop claimin' we're out to take over the world. And we knows how what they really believe in is just the opposite of what they say they don't believe in. See how that works? They tells you how the White Horse ain't part of no church doctorin', and that tells us the White Horse is definitely part of church doctorin'. Un'erstand?"

"Understood. And Red, I know exactly the government job you should be positioning yourself for. You know ... for when all those appointments start coming down."

"What's that?"

"You'd be the perfect man to head up the Office of White Horse Puckey Pickup. And all you'd need for the job is a scoop shovel and a wheelbarrow. Get it?"

"Har har, Cope. Big har har."