Opinion » Bill Cope


The Society ­#MakingPeopleBetter Newsletter


Welcome, Brothers and Sisters, to another issue of THE FLUTTER!, the very excellent monthly newsletter of the Society for Making People Better. It has been five months since our last monthly newsletter and that is TERRIFIC NEWS!, as the average gap between monthly newsletters is just over eight months. So let us rejoice! Your SFMPB is getting better at putting out monthly newsletters, if nothing else.

Undoubtedly, you're wondering why your Brother Bill has decided to roll out of his Barcalounger and issue another issue now. Well... funny story... he was flipping his attentions through the channels one recent evening and no matter where he landed, there was the big, orangey head of Donald Trump! It was like one of those science fiction movies where some extremely yucky creature takes over all the Earth's media outlets and announces its intentions of world domination on all television screens at once. Only in the movie, the yucky creature has a larger vocabulary.

Brother Bill realized immediately that if he was experiencing such discomfort with this situation, it was highly likely that his Society Brothers and Sisters were going through the same pain. "What we have here is an overabundance of Donald Trump!" he declared (to no one in particular, since Mrs. Brother Bill had gone out that evening to play Bunco with friends), and he leapt across the room like a gazelle to his Web surfing machine and went searching for any outbreaks of cheeriness that might have been blocked by the big, orangey head or other atrocious catastrophes.

Following are three items of Trumplessness that Brother Bill has extracted from under the sludge. May they elevate your happy pheromones to a noticeable degree.

• Happy Item One: We will no longer have those exorbitant royalty payments deducted from our paychecks for singing "Happy Birthday."

It's true, it's true! You thought you were getting it for free, but no! Until a judge ruled recently that the universally loved tune is now in the public domain, it has been the property of a publishing company that claims to have had the rights dating back to it's composition in 1893. And you wondered what that "FICA deduction" meant on your check stub?... well now you know. It was to pay for all those times you bellowed the song whenever your child or spouse turned over another year on the age odometer.

• Happy Item Two: It has now been proved that sleeping in the nude is good for you. This was especially gratifying news to Brother Bill, but he can't tell you why.

• Happy Item Three: Dr. Ben Carson is no longer performing neurosurgery! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

We know you know Dr. Ben Carson used to perform neurosurgery. Why, since he's been running for president, you hardly ever hear his named mentioned without someone adding "the brilliant retired neurosurgeon." But honestly, judging by the decidedly non-brilliant things that drop from this guy's mouth, it's hard to fathom how he got such a reputation.

For instance, Dr. Carson is on film telling a group of actual people that Satan is some sort of a lobbyist for the Theory of Evolution. His exact words were: "I personally believe that this theory that Darwin [a truly brilliant fellow and an honorary member of the SFMPB, if you remember] came up with was something that was encouraged by the adversary"—the "adversary," in holy roller-speak, being Old Nick, himself.

That's just the tip of the Dr. Ben-berg. Carson is on record declaring, against all common sense and confirmed science, that homosexuality is an elective behavior, as demonstrated by guys who go into prison straight and come out gay. He didn't actually name any individuals who chose their sexuality based on the romance and allure of jailhouse sex, but perhaps when you're a neurosurgeon, you don't have to concern yourself with specificity. Like... any old slice will do.

Among other Carson crapistries are his statements that Obamacare is a greater evil than the 9/11 attacks, and is in fact the worst thing to happen to America since slavery; that Obama himself is a psychopath who is out to destroy our economy; that a president can ignore the law as decided by the Supreme Court if he so wishes.

With statements like that, Brother Bill has to wonder if anyone actually talked to Doc Carson before handing him a scalpel. We must thank our lucky stars the doctor is no longer out there, filleting other brains with such a clearly defective one himself.


Before we leave you this month, Brother Bill wants you to know he is nominating Pope Francis as an honorary member of the SFMPB. Mr. Francis is proof that the struggle to make people better can be carried on, even from within an institution historically responsible for making so many people worse.

Also, Mrs. Brother Bill has returned from her Bunco party just in time to inform Brother Bill that the FICA deduction on your paystubs has absolutely nothing to do with the collection of royalties on "Happy Birthday To You" performances. Brother Bill promises that by the next THE FLUTTER! he will find out what that FICA really means.