Opinion » Bill Cope


The SFMPB Newsletter


Big changes coming to The Society for Making People Better, people! Big, BIG changes!

First: You will certainly have noticed that the title to our official, uncensored, award-winning newsletter, The Flutter, has been changed to THE FLUTTER! See the difference? It's all capital letters now, isn't it? And there's a big old exclamation point at the end! We think that's a nice touch, don't you?

This all started last week when your Rajah Bill decided we needed to spice things up around here. In fact, his exact words were, "We need to spice things up around here!"

You see, our Rajah had been feeling somewhat peckish of late, due in large part to his conviction that the midterm election was a victory for that dreadful Society for Making People Worse. (See The Flutter: Issue 4.) He moped about for days after hearing the results, muttering to himself things like "Why do I even bother?" and "What is wrong with those f***ing people?"

But then, one fine morning, he hopped out of bed like a bunny and declared (to no one in particular, since Mrs. Rajah had gone to Winco for cheese and he was alone in the house), "We need to spice things up around here!" and he's been spicing things up around here ever since, beginning with the new THE FLUTTER! design.

Now, we expect some sticks-in-the-mud to complain that the over-use of capitalization and exclamation points is an immature, puerile writing gimmick, and smacks of something you would see in Internet chat rooms for angry teenagers and women's lifestyle magazines.

But you know what? Your Rajah COULDN'T CARE LESS!!! "I couldn't care less!" he insists. "Those puny un-capitalized letters, all piled up one after the other like little goat droppings?... leave them to the MFA snoots!"

You will also notice that the subtitle—formerly "The Official, Uncensored, Award-Winning Newsletter of the Society for Making People Better"—has been shortened to "The SFMPB Newsletter." It had to be done, we're afraid. Our mothership, Boise Weekly, recently moved into a more diminutive newspaper size—something to do with the world running out of trees, we suppose—and your Rajah was told to tighten his wordage belt.

Tragically, this directive also included the subtitle. There simply is no room for "The Official, Uncensored, Award-Winning Newsletter of the Society for Making People Better" or any variation of that lovely banner in this new, cramped page. But rest assured, we will never let you forget we are: 1) official, 2) uncensored and 3) award-winning.

(Don't tell the Boise Weekly, but we are shopping around for a roomier host. Somewhere we can spread out and let our wordage get as fat as it wants. But let's keep this to ourselves for now, all righty? Shhhh.)

And finally—and this is the really big change—your dear Rajah Bill has decided to change his title.

Oh we know... we know. "Rajah" has such a ring to it, doesn't it? And your Rajah Bill will most certainly miss his turban.

Yet the truth is, until recently, Rajah Bill wasn't entirely aware that in the faraway lands where the word was born, the title "Rajah" was reserved for princes and kings and such. He had always hoped it was Hindi for something like "man of great wisdom," or possibly "one cool dude." We should also mention that he has been pronouncing it incorrectly—"Ra-JAH" rather than the proper "RA-jah." And whenever he introduced himself, he would draw it out in a most theatrical manner—"Ra-JAAAAH" in the same way some people would say "Wha's UUUUP."

It has all gotten to be too much for Mrs. Rajah, who announced that if he didn't stop calling himself Rajah Bill, she would sew the flaps shut on all of his jockey shorts. Then, as he was looking for a possible substitute for "Rajah," he realized the real definition of the word. "Well gosh," he said (largely to himself, as Mrs. Rajah had gone to Winco for cheese again) "I don't want people thinking I'm thinking I'm some kind of king or something. That's not hardly what the Society for Making People Better is all about."

So Rajah Bill has set forth on a search for a title more reflective of our dear Society's egalitarian nature. However, we surely don't have to remind you that Rule 14 of the SFMPB Rule Book clearly states, "It takes a 'yea' vote from two-thirds of the Society's board of directors to approve a title change for high ranking officers." (See The Flutter: Issue 8.) And not only has our Rajah yet to settle on an appropriate alternative to "Rajah," but he has yet to find a Board of Directors for the Society. (He thought he had at least one worthy person who seemed perfectly willing to help guide our dear SFMPB, but that person packed up his Winnebago and left for Arizona as soon as that snow hit last week.)

By the next edition of THE FLUTTER!, we will have a board in place and an exciting new name to call our Rajah Bill. In closing, let us leave you with the newest feature of our official, uncensored, award-winning newsletter. We call it "SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!"

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!: Poor indeed is that soul who has never known...