Opinion » John Rember

The Beatitudes

April Fool's Edition

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And seeing the multitude of shoppers, he left Wal-Mart and ascended the Mount of Table Rock, and sat upon its rim. When the multitude followed him, texting upon their smartphones, he opened his mouth; there he taught those few of them who paid him attention, those few of them who looked up from their laps as he spoke:

—April Fool on the viewers of Fox News, for its information is neither fair nor balanced nor information, nor is it the light of the world. It revealeth the darkness in the heart of the Deceiver.

—April Fool on the peacemakers, for they endureth yet more years of Benjamin Netanyahu.

—April Fool on the thrifty, for they receiveth no interest on their savings accounts, nor do their stocks of gold and silver increase in value.

—April Fool on the University of Alabama-Birmingham football team, for a neurologist hath been anointed as their university president.

—April Fool on the climate deniers, for they shall ski on mud, and rocks, and dry sticks, and their ears and eyes shall be choked with dust and they shall be made to give up the pleasures of resort living and buy a house in Meridian.

—April Fool on the newly-minted Ph.D.s, for they shall be as adjuncts for all of their days.

—April Fool on Vladimir Putin, whose reward shall be a Greater Russia full of ruined fields, burning houses and corpses.

—April Fool on George W. Bush, who accepteth not invitations to visit Europe, even though the Slobodan Milosevic suite at The Hague hath been reserved in his name.

—April Fool on Student Body President Barack Obama, for he believeth in turning the other cheek, even as he runneth out of cheeks to turn; for he believeth in loving his enemies, even as they plot against him and spitefully use him and curse him and hate him; for he believeth in the System, even as he witnesseth it enrich the rich and impoverish the poor; and he believeth in the Law, even as he witnesseth it being rendered as sausage by the sausage-makers of both parties.

—April Fool on Hillary Clinton, for she deceiveth herself as to her own character; for this she shall be denied the kingdom of heaven.

—April Fool on the purchasers of the Apple Watch, for they shall be handcuffed to the 'Net.

—April Fool on whosoever carryeth a handgun to protect himself from his adversary, for handguns createth adversaries from among the righteous, and maketh orphans of their children, and delivereth their parents into childlessness; such is the decree of the Almighty Coroner.

—April Fool on American college students, who shall becometh the bondsmen of bankers and the sons of bankers unto the 7th generation.

—April Fool on the drillers for oil, and the frackers of shale, and the loaders of tank cars, for their reward shall be increased pumping in Saudi Arabia, and negative profits, and the burning of the towns of the innocent, and the poisoning of drinking water also unto the 7th generation.

—April Fool on the Syrians, and the Sudanese, and the Nigerians, and the Libyans and the Iraqis, for they shall be made to deal with fundamentalists of every stripe; and verily there is no dealing with these people, whose god is Death.

—April Fool on The Idaho Statesman, which trumpeteth news of prosperity even though it subsisteth on the mandated advertisements of foreclosures and trustees' sales.

—April Fool on whosoever buyeth decent low-cost insurance under Obamacare and then voteth for Republicans, for they shall be subject to the preexisting-condition clauses of their fathers and their grandfathers before them.

—April Fool on whosoever refuseth to vaccinate their children for fear of autism but alloweth them to drink from neurotransmitter-disrupting plastic sippy-cups.

—April Fool on Florida, whose state government persecutes state employees for speaking of climate change, even as high tide blows out storm-sewer covers in the midst of Miami.

—April Fool on the middle class, for they placeth new mortgages on their dwellings; they transfereth their account balances to new credit cards as new credit cards cometh forth; they rendereth to Caesar what is Caesar's, which is to say they tradeth all that is theirs and also their first-born children for plastic crap made in China.

—April Fool on the Chinese, who accepteth dollars created in Federal Reserve computers, and who conspireth to get their first-born children visas to Canada, where the manufacture of plastic crap hath not yet made breathing lethal.

—April Fool on Boise, which is not a shining city on a hill, even though Mount Table Rock lies near; it dwelleth instead in the smog basin below; and it stretcheth from Ontario in the West to Mountain Home in the East; and it is without form or border; and it is known as Suburbia; and it buildeth dwellings for Californians; and it eateth fertile farmland for breakfast.

—Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad; for though thou live amongst fools, thou needest not be foolish; thou canst be in this world but not of it; thou canst see through the rhetoric of the publicans, and the propaganda of the corporations, and the lies of the energy-industry lobbyists; thou hast the necessary critical intelligence, bestowed upon you by your God in heaven. Use it.