Opinion » Bill Cope

Substitute Columnist

Cope takes some "me" time


Warning: The following piece was written by Robert Berserquierre--aka "Badger Bob"--who is far less concerned than Mr. Cope about how some language and opinions might offend various people in the Boise community. If your sensibilities are particularly delicate when it comes to bad words, or if you have an unusual fondness for the Republican Party, it is suggested you wait for the release of the family version (possibly sponsored by KTVB Channel 7 and hosted by Carolyn Holly). Cope will return next week, or whenever he has recovered from whatever ails him.

--"The Editor"

Soon as I came down from the hills, I headed for Cope's house with a bone to pick. What a goof. Supposed to be an opinion writer, and he continually misses the real meat of what's going on. I was all set to give him one of my level-three tutorials, but his wife answered the door and told me the lazy bastard was still in bed.

"He sick or something?"

"Bob, he's depressed," she says. I always liked her. Any woman who can put up with that snot for 35 years is either a saint or he's paying her to stick around. And Cope ain't got that kind of money. "Awfully, awfully depressed. He says he just wants to stay asleep until it's all over."

"Until what's all over?"

"I don't know. He won't say. Maybe if you talked to him ..." Her eyes were dripping desperation. If it hadn't been for that, I'd have let him rot in his jammies.

"Cope! Get your ass out of bed and get moving!" He sat up like something with a lot of legs had crawled across his crotch.

"Bob! Y'r back! Thank God! Ooh, I'm so glad. So, so glad. I thought you were maybe gonna stay up in the boonies forever. Hey, Bob, would you write the column this week. I just can't ... just can't."

"What the hell's wrong with you? Writer's block?"

"Oh no, Bob. If only it were that simple. No, God no. There's too much, not too little. Too, too much. It's those rotten Republicans. I can't keep up with them. I just can't. Just when you think they've come up with something as disgusting and stupid and senseless as it can get, they turn around and come up with something even more disgusting and stupid and senseless. It's too much for me, Bob. A man can only do so much!" He dropped back into a fetal position and hugged his pillow.

"Is it that horseshit over Obama's speech to the kids last week? Or that dumb Carolina turd who called the president a liar?"

"It's both, yeah. Too stupid to stomach, I tell you. But it's not just those things. It's everything. Everything they been doing to Obama, Bob. The assholes are doing it for fun! I swear they are. How else can you explain why they'd raise a stink over the president of the United States talking to school kids? Then they have all those retards shouting down speakers at town hall meetings. Or how 'bout the retards showing up at Obama events strapped with guns or the retards who won't stop comparing Obama to Hitler. Talk about retards! They're like a gang of middle-school dropouts poking a frog with sharp sticks. Tell me ... how's a fella supposed to respond to all the sludge oozing out of the brains of average teabaggers? ... not to mention what the Republican retards in Congress come up with! Michelle Bachman? ... I mean, Gawd! How does someone like that end up in Congress? Or that Wilson creep? Or nearly all of them, for that matter. If they all belonged to the Jaycees down in Asswipe, Ark., I could believe it. But the Congress of the United States of America? Really? And then, to top it all off, I had to let Red go, so's I don't even have a Republican hillbilly sidekick character anymore to explain in his idiot, backwards sort of semi-intelligible way how they can think the way they do!"

"C'mon, baby, you knew what kind of vicious little shitheels they were when you got into this business, didn't you? I thought that's why you picked up the opinion pen. To fight back."

"Well, yeah, Bob. But there's so many other things we need to talk about. Important things. Health-care reform. Education reform. Economic reform. Energy reform. Wars, wolves and Walt Minnick. Global warming and continents of plastic floating in the Pacific. Obesity in 10-year-old boys and anorexia in little girls. All that stuff we should be thinking about and talking about and figuring out, and they always manage to turn the topic around to Michelle showing her arms or whether Barack is the Antichrist or not. See what I mean, Bob? It's like trying to carry on a conversation with a pack of baboons tearing up the next room!"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about. That why I came over."


"No. Republicans. You aren't seeing it like it is, Cope. You've got it all backwards. You're thinking the country isn't taking proper care of the really big issues because the Republicans always find a way to distract us and lead the media off down Loon Lane. You see them as incidental idiots who always manage to hold up progress on the serious problems. But that's upside down, Cope. Here's what you don't get. The really big issue in this country anymore, the most serious problem anymore, is the Republican Party. They're running wild, them and their affiliate shitheels like the gun nut NRA goons and the religious hairballs and those greasy pukes at Fox News. And Cope, it goes way beyond them acting like obstructionist jerks like Grassley or mouthy clowns like that Beck character. It goes beyond their stunted politics and their phony outrages. Cope, they're killing people. Thousands and thousands of people. That's what you need to be writing about ... how the Republicans couldn't care less that people are dying because of their ideology. People dying because they can't get health care. People dying because of the dogshit NRA. People dying in the wars they start. Cope, that's the issue here ... that Republicans have hurt this country more than all its enemies put together. That they have killed more Americans than terrorists could ever hope to. That's what people need to think about. That's what you should be writing about."

"Gosh, Bob. If you do my column for next week, is that what you're gonna say?"

"It oughta be said."

"Strong stuff, Bob."

"Truth usually is, Cope."