Opinion » Bill Cope

Speechin' M' Mind

Red wants his share of the 1st Amenderment

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"Cope, you gonna let me put another collum in y'r collum hole?"

"No, Red, I'm not. I'm never going to let you put another column in my column hole. Not ever... ever... ever."

"Wull whys not?"

"Because the last time I let you sub for me, you insulted Catholics, gays, the Pope, English teachers everywhere and my readers' intelligence. Because you write even worse than you speak. Because if people want to hear insane, juvenile, right-wing stupidity, that's what Fox News is for. Because I made a mistake by even suggesting you might contribute a column in the first place. Because I made an even bigger mistake in imagining that you wouldn't sound so dumb if you made the effort to organize your thoughts into what I mistakenly assumed would be coherent sentences and logical arguments."

"Wull it so happens I got me lots o' frien's what think y'r the dumb one, and who think that collum what I wrote was 'bout the best thin' they e'er seen in that paper wheres you got y're collum hole. They e'en asted me t' come out t' Kuna an' do one o' them writer's readin's outside a Dutch Cuzzins coffee shack. What y' think o' that, Mister Smarmy Pants? Anybody e'er ast you t' do a writer's readin' in Kuna?"

"Red, I've never doubted there are lots of Idahoans who might consider you their intellectual ideal. But I wouldn't care if every citizen of this state agreed with you on every dumbass thing that rolls out of your mouth, I still wouldn't ever let you fill in for me again."

"But there be thin's what needs t' be said, Cope. An' I knows you ain't ne'er gonna say 'em."

"And what would those thing be, Red? Ah, wait! Let me guess. Things to do with President Obama, I bet."

"You betcha! You hear what that gull durn guy done now?"

"I assume you mean other than taking the first significant steps in two decades to slow global warming, taking the first significant steps to immigration reform in three decades, encouraging renewable energy and domestic oil production early in his administration, thereby bringing gas prices down to their lowest levels in a generation, thereby boosting the American economy to its healthiest levels since the Clinton administration, thereby lowering the unemployment rate back to pre-Bush disaster levels, all while ending America's two longest wars, eliminating a major portion of the leadership of international terrorist organizations, pushing Vladimir Putin into an economic rathole, and at the same time saving millions of American lives with previously-unattainable health coverage, empowering women to ever higher accomplishment and workplace equity, doing more to open Cuba than the past eight presidents combined, and bringing the evils of torture and Gitmo to an end?"

"No no! I mean 'mpor'nt stuff. I mean like him sittin' on his fanny at home, making his two li'l girls listen to that there Buyancy floozie singin' her nasty songs, when he oughter o' been over in Paris with all them other bigwigs what're out demonistratin' how they were agin them Charlie fellas gettin' shot dead by them Mooslim terrists!"

"Ah, you've been listening to Mike Huckabee again."

"I ain't never stopped, Cope. Ol' Huckably's the closest thing what this country's got t' whatcha-call a 'mortal compress'. An' when he ain't talkin' 'bout how Buyancy oughta keep her shimmyin' and shakin' to the bedroom where it belongs, he says the reason we still be havin' trouble wit' those Mooslim fantastalics is acause y'r pal Obama won't come out 'n' say there's a holy war 'tween us an' them."

"No, it was Lindsey Graham who said that. You're conflating one wormy little twerp with another."

"I's ain't conflusterin' no wormy li'l twerps! Durnit, yous don' think I knows the diff'rence 'tween Mike Huckably and Lintseed Gram!?"

"What-ever. Anyway, it's a holy war only in the feeble minds on both sides of the religious nuttery. Moderate Islam doesn't have any more to do with radical terrorism than mainstream Christianity has to do with Timothy McVeigh and the Ku Klux Klan. What's more, whether or not Obama went to that demonstration in Paris, doesn't have a damn thing to do with his response to terrorism... past, present or future. And Beyonce doesn't have a damn thing to do with any of this, and I'm not going to let you use my column to spread ignorant crap like that. Not again, not ever... ever... ever!"

"Oh, I gets it now! I guess you don' believe in my freedom o' speechin' m' mind, does ya', Cope? Yous thinks you can say any gull durn thang you want, but y'r tryin' t' denyify me my fair share o' that first amenderment, acause you don't like what I have t' say!"

"I don't give a damn what you say, Red. I'm just not going to let you say it in my column. You're perfectly free to go start your own newspaper, if you want."

"Wull I jus' might do that, Mr. Smarmy Pants."

"You just do that, Red."

"Wull... I jus' might!"

"Go ahead. You do that."