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Southpaws

Unsettling new findings from out of left field

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Aaron Schlosstein is not surprised.

"Any time you are dealing with a demographic which is demonstrably brighter than the general population, it should come as no shock that there might be a heavier centralization of rocket scientists and brain surgeons within that group," he said.

Trump has a different take on such statistics: "What are they up to? That's the real question here. Why is it left-handers like Obama are always messing with people's brains or trying to build a rocket to go somewhere? Where do they want to go? That's the real question here."

Research continues on many fronts, and the data gathered so far continues to raise even more questions. For instance, why would left-handed people prefer pistachios over peanuts by an astonishing 86 percent, while right-handed people are almost the exact reverse?

Why do lefties--14 percent of the population, at most--consume 43 percent of all the soy milk produced in this country? Why is it that more than half of any given audience at any fine arts film festival is left-handed? Why is it that a lefty is 68 percent more likely to purchase a Mini Cooper than a righty? Why would a right-handed individual feel such visceral repulsion when watching a left-hander write something out by hand, as 94 percent of those questioned in a recent PEW poll admit?

The mystery of left-handedness and the people so oriented continues to grow. Why are they the way they are really? And, more importantly, what do they want from the rest of us?

Back in Kenosha, Nick Records is troubled by what has already been reported.

"People are starting to give me that look again. I call it that 'old biddy Gangwer look,' like there's something horribly wrong with me for signing my name or throwing a bowling ball with my left hand. You can't know what it is until you've been through it, and I'm starting to think it never really went away. That, you know, maybe those right supremacist bastards have just been biding their time, waiting for the proper atmosphere to let all that stored-up hate out."

Dr. Roberta T. Axidea is currently the director of Objectionable People Studies at the College of Western Idaho. Her previous investigative contributions to Boise Weekly include the report that early Basques were the first humans to make their way to the New World ("Were Basques the First?" March 28, 2007) and the exposé that Boise administrators had sold the city's oldest cemeteries to developers ("Dead Men Moving," March, 31 2010).