Opinion » Bill Cope

Slamun Bound

More 'Randem Thinks' from MulletBoy

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Yeah, you're right. I should be focusing my civic attentions on whatever our Legislature is up to. But if the past is any guide, they won't really be accomplishing much during these first few weeks. Just a lot of strutting and schmoozing and sucking up--just what you'd expect out of the best and the brightest from hillbilly squats like Athol and Driggs and, of course, Nampa. If you were to be a fly on the wall at one of those lobbyist-comped social functions, you'd swear these goobers have never seen a Swedish meatball before.

So I figure now is as good a time as any to check in on MulletBoy. Last we heard, he and his cousin were applying to one of those for-profit, pretend universities. How's that going, MulletBoy?

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Whooey Dawg! Did I have me some fun or what! Remember hows I told you me and Ripster were going over to Slamun last weekend for that Varmit Derby? Or maybe I didn't tell you cause now that I think about it, I remembers how I ain't done a blog pots since bfore Thankgivings so there ain't no way youd know we were leaving for the Varmit Derby last weekend cause we dint know ourselves til last Friday night when ol Rip come's over and say's "guess what I just heard about!" and I took a guess an says, "Was it bout how rat turds sometimes gets mixed into that snoos you always got tucked under your lip?" and he says "No no. That ain't it. I just heard bout a Varmit Derby up in Slamun wheres you can shoot all the wolfs and kiyoots ya want. And if ya shoot moren anyone else, they'll give ya a thousant bucks!" an I says "a Thousan Bucks??" an he says "Yeah! a Thousan Bucks!! You could buy yurslef what Bushmasher you ain't had the money to buy yet" and I says "But Rip. Hows could I shoot enough wolfs and kiyoots to win that thousan bucks thatd pay for me a new Bushmasher, when I ain't got a Bushmasher yet to shoot em with?" an he says "oh. yeah."

So we had ourselves a few more Keystones while we were thinking on it, and while we were thinking on it, Honey Bug comes home from her job at Pedicure Palace and says "you guys look like yo'er thinking about something" which is when I tell her about how wer'e thinking on going over to Slamun for the Varmit Derby. Adn about then ol' Rip says "lets' go, Cuzz! If we leave now, we culd be there in time for braekfast" an my wife says "Your' idiots. You been drinking Keystones since when you got home from work and now you'r talking about driving all night just sos you can shoot up some poor dead critters!!??" an I says "but jus think Honey Bug. If I win that Thousan Bucks I can buy a Bushmasher an have enough left over to get the heater fixed in the car. Maybe. You won't havet drive to work wearing a sleeping bag no more."

Rip shoulda kept his big mouth shut cause my old lady hates him like she hates to stick her hand down in the garbage disposal, but he din't. "Yeah Honey Bug. Juss think." he says and whooey dawg was she mad. Exept I think she musta knew wed' end up going anyways because she says "The only way I'm gonna let you go to Slamun is if I drive" which got Rip mad because he dont like no one but him drivin his rig especially a woman, but finally he let her do it cause she says "It's either that, or I call the state cops the minute you leave the house and tell them youer drunkern skunks." So we left

Turns out a good thing Honey Bug drove cause both Rip and me were thinking Slamun was in the whole other direction from where it turned out to be. Then it wasn til we were about to someplace called Burgby or some place when I remebered I still ain't got no Bushmasher or nothing else thatd kill no varmits. "Crap!" I says, and then I says "I don wanna stand just around watching you shoot varmits with nothign to do."

It was my Honey Bug what thought of a thing. "Hows about if Rip shares his Bushmasher. He kills one poor dead critter, then it's your turn." Rip didn't like that idea one littl bit, an he says so. "I dont like that idea one little bit," he says, but I says "Hows bout I buy the bullets?" an after that, he wasn't so mad. He even had an idea him self. He says "hows about if I shoot the wolfs and you shoot the kiyoots?" and I sways "Hows bout you shoot the wolfs and the kiyoots, and I get to shoot all the porkypines?" cause I hate porkypines. I don' even like to look at em, ugly little stickery sonabiches, an Rip says "we got a deal, Cuzz!"

An that how I had the best fun I had since when me and Rip found that dinomyte. Rip din't get no wolfs or kiyoots, probaby cause we never got no farther from the road than the truck would go fore it high-centerd on somebod'ys Ski-Doo, but I got two porkypines. Only Honey Bug don't think they were porkypines at all, but I tolder they had t'be porkypines since nobody what lives in Slamun would have two shit-sue dogs running around their yard like she thinks they were. Then we came home cause we never did find where that Varmit Derby was goin on. But it was funnern hell anyways, excep I still owe Rip for the 13 bullets it tok to hit them two porkypines.