Opinion » Bill Cope

Six Degrees of Real

Another offer from KGAG


Attn.: Bill Cope,

As you recall, we here at G.A.G. Media Group offered you the opportunity to audition for a regular spot on the KGAG newscast as a commentator in our "What A Great Day!" segment. Unfortunately, the sample opinion you submitted was not a good mesh with the concept we had in mind. Referring to Laura Bush as "icing on a camel-dung cake" demonstrated to us that you may not have fully understood the spirit of "WAGD!"

But your name has come up again as a potential on-air personality for another project we hope to get off the ground soon. If you watch our newscasts, you already know that as general policy, we try to find a local connection to any newsworthy event, be it national or even international. This is because we feel our special Idaho-ish viewership can relate more completely to a disaster (a coronation, a famous person's death, marriage and/or pregnancy, a war, a new Pope or whatever it be) if they know there is at least one Boise resident who either has a family member involved, or who themselves once saw something like it happen somewhere else. We will even settle for a Boise resident with a family member who once saw something like it happen somewhere else. After all, it's not the news that matters nearly so much as the home-town flavor we can bring to that news. For instance, didn't you find the Pakistan earthquake much easier to digest knowing that Dr. and Mrs. Darryl Oppenturtlingkoff, from right here in the Treasure Valley, had been to nearby Kashmir for a conference on dermatology just months before that awful catastrophe?

This policy has proven so popular with our viewers that the KGAG management has decided to make it a regular segment. We will call it "Six Degrees of Boise," patterned after the game "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon"--which as you probably know, employs the principle that there is no more than six levels of seperation between any two people.

If accepted onto the KGAG team, your job would be to find a Boise link to any notable event happening anywhere in the world. For example, there simply just has to be a local resident who knows somebody somewhere who heard something sometime about someone who is in the circle of people who may be related to someone who knows a thing or two about that young groom who fell off the cruise ship during his honeymoon. And wouldn't it be fun--not to mention helpful to our audience--if we could find that Boise connection and interview him or her? (A Meridian resident will do if all else fails, but we would prefer to keep our focus within Ada County. This is because there are so many newcomers, and we doubt many of them know, or care, about people who live in Nampa, even ... let alone Athol, Driggs or Lapwai.)

What we ask--as an "audition," as it were-- is that you find a six-degree relationship between one of our Boise neighbors and the Mayor of Torino, Italy--a tribute to the Winter Olympics, obviously. Then submit your findings in the same form and wording you would use if accepted for a screen test. Good luck, Mr. Cope.

By the way, I know someone who is a cousin to someone who went to high school with a brother of yours. Isn't this fun?

Yours Truly: Claudia Sarton-O'Malley; Personnel Director/Certified Weekend Climatologist; G.A.G Media Group

Dear Ms. Sarton-O'Malley,

I'm soooooo honored you would consider me for this position. I believe I know exactly what you're looking for and this time, I won't let you down. OK, here's what I came up with:

1) The Mayor of Torino is one Guilliame Puzo, who three years ago visited Torino's sister city--Waterloo, Iowa--and gave (what I understand was) a rousing speech at a Chamber of Commerce luncheon. Something he said made a lady sitting directly behind the Waterloo City Manager start to sob noticably, and not knowing what else to do, Mayor Puzo offered her his melon balls. That lady turned out to be ...

2) ... Gladys Poplin, the aunt of the wife of future Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito--the woman we now know as Mrs. Samuel Alito, a notable blubberer in her own right. Research does not reveal whether Gladys Poplin ate Mayor Puzo's melon balls, but she is known to have gone to her Senior prom in 1969 with ...

3) ... Martin Schlupp, who years later took an entry level position with the fledgling firm, Diebold Inc., and worked his way up to be Vice President of Controlled Outcomes. It was V.P. Schlupp who oversaw the management of Diebold e-voting machines in Ohio during the 2004 election, and on an emergency trip in the dead of night to Cincinnati, he shared a cab from the airport with ...

4) ... Goodlow T. Hazzard, a private "security contractor" who was just then returning from a six-month engagement in Iraq as the bodyguard of Farouk Chalomi, that nation's first Minister of Happy Progress. After Minister Chalomi was blown to bits with a bomb diguised as a bribe from Haliburton, Mr. Hazzard had decided to return to his previous position as a bouncer in a Newport, Kentucky, strip club. Unfortunately, upon arriving in Newport, Hazzard learned the bar--"Bada Bada Bluegrass"--had been closed down and its owner ...

5) ... Rudolpho "The Rub" Rudabagio, had been arrested on suspicion of being a "technical advisor" for the DeGumbo crime family of Detroit, and had enlisted himself in the federal witness protection program under the name "Larry McNarry." Mr. "McNarry" was given a choice between living in Juneau, Waterloo (go figure) or Boise, and "Larry" chose our beautiful, friendly, thriving Boise--or to be precise... Garden City--where, until he was found in the north Nevada desert with a dry-cleaning bag duct-taped to his head, had operated a body shop specializing in exotic automobile parts. During his short stay here in the City of Trees, Mr. "McNarry" lived at 3004 N.W. Sewage Plant Road, directly across the street from...

6) ... Bud "Bud" Zutzman, Idaho native and long-time electric bass player for the Grand Teton Boys, a C&W band that hasn't left Garden City in over 25 years and none of whom have ever seen the Grand Tetons.

Now, my interview with Mr. Zutzman did not go quite as expected. He seemed to be unaware that he was Boise's link to the Torino Olympics, and in fact was unaware there were some Olympics going on. But he does know a lot of people in Nampa, so the next time there's a drive-by shooting over there, we're set to go--unless you'd rather save that sort of thing for your "Have A Great Day!" segment.