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Santa Claus is On Drugs


What other explanation can there be for his recent decision to leave a pile of nicely wrapped gift boxes under a tree in downtown Boise in the middle of July?

The incident began at 5:19 a.m. on July 20, when Capitol Mall Security called Boise Police to report four suspicious packages outside of the old downtown Boise post office, now known as the Borah Building. Officers soon blocked off several streets surrounding the building, holding up the morning commute around the nearby Idaho State Capitol Building.

At 8:15, police announced that they had reopened the streets after examining the packages with all the care and nervousness of a pajama-clad youngster-and all the subsequent disappointment when the same youngster discovers socks from Aunt Sylvia. Apparently Kris Kringle had wrapped the four shirt-sized boxes without putting anything inside of them for local police-no guns, not even the modest pay raise they were supposed to have received earlier this year.

We'd like to believe, due to the close proximity of the tree to the Capitol Building, that the jolly elf was making a statement about the deplorable behavior of the Idaho State legislators who continue to write unconstitutional parental consent abortion laws. But due to the unseasonable scheduling of this act, we're thinking ... meth.

Police have not announced what led Santa to cause such trouble in our peaceful town. Indeed, they have yet to conclusively announce his involvement. The case has been turned over to Idaho State Police, who can be reached at 334-3731 for confessions-this means you, Nick.