Opinion » Bill Cope

Red's Good Idea

Part two


"You're wasting words, Cope. C'mon, let's get this going here. Remember, I'm Israel. What ya' have to say to me?"

(If you remember from last week, Red talked me into throwing a double intervention on Israel and Rep. Walt Minnick, as I regard them both to be behaving in ways that hurt those closest to them the most. I thought it was a good idea at the time, but now that I'm down to it, I'm not so sure.)

"OK. Here I go. Um, Israel. Pal. Here's the deal, see. Um ... how'd you like to go it alone from here on out? How'd you like to come up with your own military replacement parts and ... geez, Red. On second thought, maybe we should just forget about intervening on Israel."

"Huh? What's wrong, Cope? You're chickenin' out, ain't you? If you chicken out on Israel, you're sure as hell gonna chicken out on Walt Minnick. And you already told your readers this was gonna be a two-parter."

"Yeah, yeah, I know. But the thing about Israel is, they aren't going to listen anyway. When's the last time Israel listened to anybody? Besides, to have a decent intervention, we need more than one intervener, right? Like, when you did that double intervention with your brothers Blacky and Whitey, you had yourself, their wives and kids, 27 cousins, three preachers, a court-appointed substance abuse counselor and two parole officers. If I intervene with Israel, it'll just be me. The evangelical types are sitting around waiting for that End Times crap to kick in, so they won't even look cross-eyed at Israel, let alone point out that America's had about 50-years-worth of foreign policy turmoil as a result of our support for them. And if there's anything Democrats and Republicans agree on, it's never to mention that sometimes, good old Israel acts like a goddamn schoolyard bully. So the deal is, I don't want to sit here by myself, telling them they ought to stop with the Mossad death squads and land-grabbing settlements and West Bank blockades and such, because all it will accomplish is me getting called an anti-Semite. I don't wanna be called an anti-Semite, darnit."

"You disappoint me, Cope. I been looking forward to reading all the hate mail you'd be getting. So's what about intervening on Minnick? I suppose you're backing out of that, too."

"Gosh, maybe, yeah, I don't know. It hardly seems worth the trouble, now that health reform has passed."

"C'mon! You mean to say there ain't nothing you'd say to Walt Minnick?"

"Ooooooh, you bet. I got plenty to say to Walt Minnick. Plenty! If he were to walk through that door right now, I'd say, 'Walt, just out of curiosity, I'd like to know how it felt to be sitting there like a toad on a log last Sunday, throwing your vote in with the screaming racists and the spitting Glenn Beck feebs and the John Boehner low-lifes and the Michele Bachmann loons, while all but a handful of your party affiliates were accomplishing something noble, just and long overdue for the America people?'"

"Good start, Cope. Keep goin'. That oughta bring in some mail."

"Then I'd say, 'Walt, before the big vote, you were bragging about how you intended to represent all Idahoans, not just the ones who put you in office. But just out of curiosity, what do you have to say to those who worked for you and campaigned for you and donated to you and cast their ballots for you, all the time thinking we were taking part in that change and hope that Obama represents? I mean, I'm pretty damn sure we didn't send you back to Washington, D.C., thinking you were smarter than all the rest of the Democrat leaders, put together. And Walt, while we're at it, would you explain why you were so pleased to stand in Barack's cheering section when he came to Boise two years ago, and then you spend the greatest share of your first term crowing about how you're maybe even more conservative than Mike Simpson?'"

"You're just getting warmed up, Cope. Don't stop now."

"And I'd say, 'Walt, if all along, you were planning on excusing yourself from the major decisions, the sort that have defined the Democrat Party for a century ... the sort of tradition that we Democrats are damn proud to be a part of ... why the hell did you bother to join us? And if getting elected for a second term means so much to you that you can dismiss the policies, dismiss the tradition, dismiss the history of Democrats in this nation, why didn't you just run as a Republican? And I'd finish up by saying, 'Walt, I can't speak for every Idaho Democrat, but as for myself, I feel betrayed. Betrayed, Walt! And just out of curiosity, who do you suppose is going to vote for you come November?'"

"So that's it? That's all you got to say to Walt Minnick?"

"Yes, Red. What were you expecting?"

"Wull heck, when we intervened on ol' Blacky and Whitey, everyone was a blubberin' and moanin' and carrying on like someone'd come up pregnant again. Ain't you gonna say how you'd like to shake the poop outta him until he shapes up and flies right? Ain't you gonna tell him you feel like booting him outta the house and never talking to him again? Ain't you gonna say, 'Walt Minnick, I feel like popping you one in the mouth for what you done to us?' That's what I told Blacky and Whitey. And it worked. They ain't had a drink for almost four days now."

"Nah, Red. Let's leave the threats to Otter and the tea baggers. I mean, what else do they have left?"