Opinion » Bill Cope

Red Weakly

And we thought emails were supposed to mean less paper


"Why's not, Cope? Who else you gonna hear what I got t' say from?"

"I can guess what you have to say. You want to talk about Hillary's emails, don't you?"

"Wull... the thought crossed m' mind some. But if'n you don' wanna talk 'bout Hill'ry's emails, I won' force ya'. How's 'bout this?... we talk about m' new newspaper what I started?"

"You started a newspaper?"

"Told ya' I was agerna. 'Member? Las' time I saw ya'? I told ya' if you didn't let me put any more collums in your collum hole, I was gonna start m' own paper."

'The way I remember it is, I told you that if you didn't like it, you could go start your own paper, and you said you just might do that."

"Oooooh, so now y'r gonna take credit f'r my new newspaper?"

"No, no. All I'm saying is, you wouldn't have thought of starting a newspaper if I hadn't suggested it."

"Wull I was athinkin' bout it a long time afore you was asayin' anythin' 'bout it. Y'r jus' quicker on y'r mouth than I am."

"Whatever. So what are you calling this newspaper of yours?"

"I calls it The Where's Hill'ry's Emails? Weekly."

"Oh for Christ's sake."

"You betcha'! An' at least half o' e'ery issue will be dedicationed to wha's on all them emails what Hill'ry ain't showing nobody. Whate'er she's trying t' hide by refusin' to cooperate wit' them Congress fellers what're trying t' fry her fat, tha's what we'll be writin' 'bout."


"Yazzur. I's got a bunch o' top nutch collumists what 'r turnin' out collums e'ery week on exactly what might be in them emails, based on what we're supposin' is there since it's not in any o' them emails what she did release. I's rounded up a feller from Kuna, another feller from Melba, another feller from Homedale, an' me. Tha's four collumizin's a week on nuthin' but Hill'ry's emails what she don' want us t' see."

"So how long has this paper been out? I haven't seen it on any news racks."

"Tha's 'cause it ain't never gonna be on no main-streak medium's news racks. We's goin' directionly to's the patriatical 'Mer'cans what don' believe in y'r gull durn lib'ral news racks. It's what ya' call 'door t' door distributary.'"

"You're delivering your own paper? What do you do?... ride a bike down the street and throw it on people's lawns?"

"You betcha'! I's got a feller in Kuna, another feller in Melba, another feller in Homedale an' me."

"Let me guess, Red. The fellers you have to deliver the papers are the same fellers you have to write the columns, aren't they?"

"Wha's wrong wit' that, Cope? You ought t' be deliverin' that Boise Weekly paper y'rself so's maybe you'd find out wha' real 'Mer'cans' 'r' thinkin'."

"Tell me, how are all you 'collumists' going to come up with something different to say on the same subject, week after week? I know from some experience that it's sort of tough thinking of something new to write on several subjects. But it sounds to me like you plan on harping on nothing but Hillary's emails up to... and probably long after... she becomes president."

"First o'all, Cope, there ain't nothin' wrong with harpin' on the same subjek o'er 'n' o'er. Ain't you learned nothin' from them Fox fellers? An' second o' all, Hill'ry ain't never gonna be president acause nobody's gerna vote for no person what's hidin' all her emails."

"So what happens to your paper if she hands over everything she's got? Her emails, her server, her Blackberry... every last piece of technology she and her husband and her daughter have ever owned or ever been around. What are you and your editorial team going to 'collumize' on then? Huh, Red?"

"Cope, that would prove ayond all doubtin' that she's hidin' somethin'."

"Oh. Yeah? Explain to me how exposing everything would prove she's hiding something?"

"Jeesh, Cope! N' ask y'rself, why would she do that if'n she din't have a way o' turnin' all them incrimizin' emails in somethin' what don't amount t' beans?"

"How would she do that, Red? That's just ridiculous."

"Ridickylus, is it? Ain't you ne'er heard o' code words? Like when she's sayin' 'wedding,' it's prob'ly a code word f'r 'Benghazi.' Cain't y' see that? An' if'n she says 'Chelsea,' more'n likely it's code f'r 'Let them four 'Mer'can heroes get killed, an' see what I care!' It's as plain as the nose on y'r face, Cope."

"So what's the other half about?"

"The other half o' what?"

"You said half your paper is about Hillary's emails, so what's in the other half?"

"Oh, a feller name o' Vince Foster, an' how Hill'ry killed 'im when he caught her in the Oval Orfice ahavin' some kind o' Arkansas sex with Monica Lookinsee. I rounded up a few fellers who know all 'bout it. One in Kuna, an' another in Melba, an' another ... "

"Oh for Christ's sake."