Opinion » Bill Cope

Red the Libratarian

"Now don't you be pickin' on my Paul!"


"Cope, I got a hair t' spit with you."

"Aw jeez, Red. What is it now? I'm sort of busy."

"Seems like yer always busy anymore. Seems like you ain't never got time for me no more."

"No, no. That's not true. I'll always have time for you, buddy. Cross my heart. But the thing is, today I'm helping Badger move his stuff back to his camper trailer. And there's a lot of stuff. But I suppose I could take a little break. What's on your mind."

"I'm sick an' tired of you making us Libratarians out like some kind of loony goofballs, that's what!"

"And since when have you been a Libertarian, Red? I thought you were a 110 percent GOPster."

"I been evolvin', Cope. And I don't mean evolvin' from no gull durn Astrylopissycuss monkeyitis, neither. I started out a Democrat, did you know that? Yessir, I was what they called a Southern Democrat 'cause I was born and raised south of Nampa and I agreed with them Dixiecrat boys on about everything exceptin' how it's OK to marry up with your cousin as long as she's over 14. Then I 'volved into one of them Ronald Reagan Democrats when the Gupper came along 'cause I liked it when he fired them union goon air traffic controllers what all had better jobs than me. Then I 'volved into a full-blown Republican when Bill Clinton got elected 'cause I just couldn't stand that wife o' his. Then when the Tea Party came along, I 'volved into one of them 'cause I wanted to make sure that stinker Barack Obama kept his gov'mint hands off my Medicare. And then, finally, I 'volved into a Libratarian 'cause Ron Paul is the only gull durn pol'tician what tells it like I want to hear it. And then you come along and write things what makes Ron Paul and me look like loony goofballs. Like in that column two ... three weeks back when you told what it was like in Libratarianville? ... wull, I checked a map of ever state in the country, and there ain't no town o' Libratarianville nowheres, Cope! You lied!"

"OK ... yes. I admit I made up Libertarianville. It's an imaginary place just like you're an imag ... uh ... never mind about that. I was only trying to make a point about how crazy it is to put some contrived hair-brained ideology over the realities people live with. And as far as your Ron Paul goes, sorry to tell you, pal, but he's not just a loon. He's an idiot. And a vicious idiot to boot. Imagine ... bitching about citizens who've been hit by disaster getting some relief from their own government? That guy should go live in a cave."

"Now, don't you be picking on my Paul! Cope, that man is a saint!"

"No saint, Red. He's a shriveled-up little racist who's hiding his black heart behind a veneer of benign Elmer Fudd-ery and an aborted version of what freedom is all about."

"What you talking 'bout? Ron Paul ain't no Elmer Fudd! And he ain't no racist, neither!"

"Oh, yeah? Well, then, you explain to me how a man could not be a racist and say things like 'I think we can safely assume that 95 percent of the black males in that city [Washington, D.C.] are semi-criminal or entirely criminal.'"

"He didn't say that!"

"He sure did. It was in his newsletter so he can't run away from it. He also said 'Opinion polls consistently show that only about 5 percent of blacks have sensible political opinions.' And as to the rioting that followed the Rodney King verdict, he said, 'Order was only restored in L.A. when it came time for the blacks to pick up their welfare checks.' Now how do you explain that if he's not a racist butthead?"

"Cope, it ain't racist to say out loud what everybody's already thinking."

"Red, I don't know who you've been hanging out with, but not everyone is stupid enough to see the world in terms of racial stereotypes. And when a guy like Paul appeals to his followers on the basis of those stereotypes, yeah ... that's racist. No other word for it. Whatsmore, Paul has more followers in white supremacist organizations and neo-Nazi groups than any decent man oughta. Did you know he's been endorsed by David Duke, that creepy Klan guy?"

"Gull durnit, Cope! What says them skinhead boys and Grand Draxons and Sieg Heil fellers cain't come around to the understandin' that the less a gov'mint is, the better it be."

"Do you really suppose that's what it's about, Red? ... that all these white power mutts are Ron Paul fans simply because he preaches that the government ought to stay out of peoples' lives? Now look, I got to get back to work. I need to get Bob and his crap out of the basement or my wife's going to have my nu ..."

"What's in the box, Cope. It looks heavy."

"It's all part of Badger's Constitution rewrite, Red. I believe he said this box was the Preamble plus the first seven articles. He's in the basement, loading up the new Bill of Rights into something he can use the dolly on."

"He's down them stairs right now? An' I bet he's been messin' with the Second Amendment, ain't he? By gum, I'm gonna go see him. I got a hair or two to spit with him, too."

"Red, don't go down there. Really, that's a bad idea. Honestly, Red, please. C'mon back here. Red? ... aw jeez, this isn't good."

To be continued ...