Opinion » Bill Cope

Palin's Down For Trump

The political marriage made in Hog Heaven

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"You look perplexipated, Cope."

"Well, Red, yes... I am a tad perplexipated."

"Wazza matter? Ain't ya' gettin' 'nough fiber in y'r grub?"

"I can't seem to come up with anything original on this Trump/Palin merger. I've seen this sort of thing before... now and then something comes along that's just so crazy-ass surreal that you can't ignore it, but neither can all the other political writers. It's like we're all thinking the same things, and it's impossible to find a fresh approach to it."

"Is you implistatin' how Sarah boosterin' up Trump is crazy syrup?"

"Oh no. That makes perfect sense. Loud and cheesy always sticks with loud and cheesy. It's why Bill O'Reilly and Sean Hannity are on the same network, see? And why it's so hard to tell one country-western singer from another. And why all the really stupid action movies come out at the same time of year. And why you never see Miley Cyrus or that Kardasian person hanging out with anyone classy. Or... "

"Dang it, Cope! What's y'r point here!"

"Oh, sorry. But see, you take people as loud and mouthy and cheesy and cheap as either Donald Trump or a Sarah Palin individually, they're naturally going to get attention. They're like a huge, gross pimple on the end of your nose... just can't hardly pretend they're not there. But then, they come together, and it's like a confluence of two big rivers. Only instead of rivers, it's mouths. See? Two big, muddy mouths, combining into a roiled-up mess of the lowest, no-class, sleazy, trailer-trash foulness you wouldn't have thought possible outside of an A&E reality show. And so much concentrated tawdriness puts a huge strain on the levees, you see? The levees, well, they're what would serve as morality and conscience and honesty to most people. You might call them the 'Levees of Constraint,' see? They're there to keep us from getting swept away in a flood of shabby and noxious behavior. But those same levees are what garish hucksters like Trump and Palin poo-poo as 'political correctness,' get it? And... and... "

"You ain't foolin' me, Cope. Y'r confabulatin' up one o' them megaphors, ain'tcha'?

"Ah. Caught me. I am indeed confabulating up a metaphor, and I'm just hoping nobody else comes up with the same thing, like they've done with everything else I've confabulated up."

"Whatcher mean?"

"See, when I heard Palin was endorsing Trump, my first thought was what a backstabbing, shameless weasel she is for supporting the very jerk who had said John McCain's five years as a POW didn't qualify him as a hero... that he was just another loser for getting caught. This was the man who'd picked Palin for a running mate eight years ago and hasn't said a negative thing about her since. McCain's shown nothing but loyalty to the low-rent harpy who, incidentally, many believe caused him to lose the election. But before I could get that into words, Rachel Maddow did half a show on it. Beat me too it by a mile. Said exactly what I was thinking... only Rachel didn't use the phrase 'low-rent harpy.'"

"Cope, tain't no surprise t' nobody you and Rachel Maddow 'ld be thinkin' alike."

"Yeah, but there's a big difference between thinking like Rachael, and copying what she says. But that's not all. My next idea was how we shouldn't feel too sorry for McCain for getting dumped on by Palin, because if he hadn't dumped Palin on America eight years ago, he wouldn't have opened American politics up the horror that any shrill, know-nothing, tasteless, flouncy, flash-in-the-pan... any opportunistic sack of farts who would say any lie that crossed her, or his, mind in order to appeal to the most thoughtless, hateful, vicious Americans... that anyone like that could be considered presidential material, no matter how stupid, unqualified and inappropriate she, or he, is. So think about it... if it hadn't been for McCain, there would have been no Palin. And without Palin, there would be no Trump. McCain is just reaping what he sowed. Right?"

"Wrong, Cope! You ain't got no cause t' call Sarah Palin a 'sack o' farts!' I can see it wit' Donald. He's always got that look like whate'er he ate last is givin' 'im some trouble. But that's a low blow t' give t' Sarah."

"'Low blow?' Was that a pun, Red?"

"Huh?"

"Well, anyway, it doesn't matter because before I got around to writing that idea down, I found it on the Internet, two weeks before I could have gotten it in today's paper. Blogger named Chris Weigant wrote the exact same thing I was thinking on Huff Post... only he didn't use the phrase 'sack of farts.'"

"So's that means y'r all out o' ideas on how t' despitasize Sarah an' my man Donald?"

"Not exactly. I'm working on a scenario about how a love child of Donald Trump and Sarah Palin might turn out."

"Ewwwwwwww!"

"Yeah. Pretty ugly picture, huh? I'm thinking of calling it 'Pregnant Heiress Gets Thrown Out of Wharton for Brawling with Dormitory Neighbors.'"

"Nope, Cope. I don' imagine any'un else is gerna think o' that 'un."

"I sure hope not."