Opinion » Bill Cope

Openly Scary

Just how stupid do I think you am?


"Badge? You ever noticed how the more time goes by, the more our society is dominated by the stupidest people in it?"

Bob slowly, deliberately, lowered the ear of corn on which he'd been gnawing to his plate and leaned back in his chair. "Is this why you asked me to dinner, Cope? So's you could test drive your latest brain belch on me?"

Darn. He had me figured out. That's exactly why I'd invited him to dinner. I can't get him to hang around long enough for a decent conversation any other way. I don't think he likes me much, but he's a pushover for free food.

"Yeah. Well. Sorta. It's just that these 'open carry' clowns got me to thinking about it. You heard about them ... those simpletons who put on that big show by going to the zoo with their rods hanging out? So I've been counting up the ways the morons among us are defining how we live anymore. Don't you think that's worth doing?"

"You're not thinking of writing another column on those dumb turd gun crackers, are you? Cope, you might as well try to convince a tree stump to dance a tango as try to change what their little reptilian gray cells are telling them."

"Well first of all, Bob, it's not the dumb turd gun crackers I'm trying to convince. It's the rest of the people who sit around on their fat apathy and let the dumb turd gun crackers get away with their dumb turdery. And secondly, it's not just them I'm talking about."

"Is this going to take a long time? 'Cause if it is, I believe I'll have another ear of corn while you're blabbing."

"Like, you know why we can't have a frosty beer while we're floating down the river? It's all because of the dimwits who were using it as another excuse to get even stupider than they are when they're sober. The whole population has to be treated like Nazarene teenagers because the morons always have to take things too far. I'm right about that, aren't I? Morons won't control themselves, so we all end up getting controlled along with them."

"You'd better not say 'Nazarene teenagers' when you write it out, Cope. I have it on good authority that over in Nampa, they already think you're a degenerate scuzz."

"Yeah, well, I know I'm right. We all end up having to abide by rules that wouldn't be necessary if not for the below-par crowd. Just like all of us end up paying for the warnings on things like ladders and lawn mowers, just because a handful of people are so stupid they can't figure out for themselves what not to do with ladders and lawn mowers. And it goes on and on. Gays have to live with the idiocy of the loudest mouth feebs in the religious community, and we're all paying through the nose for gas because the SUV-driving dopes didn't have the sense to see where they were taking us, and the whole world has to wait for the cretins to catch up on the global warming thing, and ...

"'Scuse me for interrupting, but pass me another stuffed pepper there, would ya'? And then explain how this has anything to do with those dumb turd 'open carry' gun crackers. Who, by the way, would make pretty much the same argument you're making ... that they shouldn't have to abide by the rules set up to control the behavior of people even stupider than they are. And that's something else to consider, Cope ... that no matter how stupid you think someone is, there's always somebody stupider."

"I thought about that, too, Bob, but here's the deal. They insist the law shouldn't tell them they can't flash their pieces anywhere and everywhere they want, all because they're so worried about that teeny-tiny, eensy-weensy fraction of people who are dumber than they are. Just like those sloppy drunks who won't behave themselves floating the river, they have to push everything to the ridiculous. They're not happy enough that they can own a gun. Now they want to have it hanging off their butts wherever they go. National parks ... college campuses ... Boise's zoo. So what's next? Do you and I and all the smart people have to start carrying guns just to stay one step ahead of whichever gun-toting retard decides he's smart enough to decide when someone needs to be shot or not? Get what I mean? It's like our whole society is running downhill like water and settling in the lowest possible IQ level. What d'ya' think?"

Bob looked positively contemplative as he ripped through another run of plump kernels. "Needs more salt, that's what I think. Would you throw that shaker on over here, Cope. And the pepper, too."

"C'mon, Badge. Am I right or not?"

"Yes, Billy. You're right. And anyone with the sense God gave a cucumber knows it. But you know how it'll play out as well as I do. The dumb turd gun crackers will claim that having pistols everywhere you turn cuts down on crime. They maintain two million crimes are prevented a year 'cause so many ambulatory dildos like them had gats in their pants. And pass those cucumbers over, if you would."

"I know what they say. But it's just made-up malarkey they pass around to each other and hope nobody challenges it. It's like saying George Bush can control volcanoes, since not even one volcano has erupted in the United States as long as he's been in the White House. That's the kind of logic only the most illogical would dare spout, and if you ask me, it only goes to show how stupid they really are ... thinking everybody else is stupid enough to believe them. And besides, I could just as easily make the claim that all the crimes that were committed with a gun wouldn't have been committed if nimrods like them weren't always making it sound like you're some kind of stud when you know your way around a damn gun. It's all about the prevailing atmosphere, Bob. When the stupid people control the atmosphere, everybody ends up stupid."

He wiped a coating or two of vegetable residue off his cheeks and settled back. My guess is he was done eating. "Cope, I gotta tell ya' ... I can't help but think that for you to butt your head against those idiots over and over, knowing you're not getting anywhere ... well, that kind of makes you look stupid."

"May be, Badge. You're probably right. But the way I see it, if I can cause even one gun nut ... even one ... to pop a gasket like a pissed-off party balloon, then it was worth the sacrifice."