I've got a sad little garden gnome in my yard. You see, his partner-not in a gay gnome way, but simply a gnome friend-went missing over the weekend. We're not sure if he was kidnapped or left of his own accord. Perhaps he's suffering from some form of gnomish Alzheimer's and has simply lost his way, but, unfortunately, I fear the worst. Most likely he was taken against his will-cruelly removed from his home in my strawberry patch near the front door. He may still be alive, either held for ransom (a note hasn't arrived), held for pleasure (I cannot bear the thought of my little gnome becoming somebody's gimp), or perhaps already dead-his body dismembered into tiny little pieces of stone.
Whatever his current condition, his lone friend who remains amongst the strawberries says he's feeling quite sad. When speaking to him one morning, I actually thought I saw the little guy shed a tear. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of my garden gnome, please e-mail me at bingo@boiseweekly. Or, if you have lonely gnomes of your own, perhaps we could set up playdates. I will also adopt any orphan gnomes you may have. Just drop them by the office.