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Nude Tips


On the Greek island of Ios I spent two weeks in the summer of 1988 living on a nude beach. I slept on the beach, ate on the beach, drank Tequila slammers on the beach and despite best efforts, didn't get lucky on the beach. But I did get a good all-over tan. I have a few life lessons learned about being nude, or almost nude, 24-7. If you are considering exploring nature au naturel then I recommend the following:

• Parts of your body have never seen the sun. Protect them.

• Applying sunscreen to parts where the sun doesn't normally shine should be done discretely. For men, it could excite Mr. Johnson. For women, it could excite Mr. Johnson and his nearby neighbors.

• If near water, use it. It's not only a great way to cool off while people are applying sunscreen on the beach, but a great way to wash sand from the aforementioned parts.

• Always carry a personal absorption device like a towel.

• A towel used to cover your parts will not cover your parts when squatting down in front of someone to talk to them.

• After a couple of days on the beach, parts are parts.

• Don't bring a camera unless you want pictures of mad looking people.

• Don't snorkel nude, especially if you are a man and especially if there are sea urchins.

• Sea urchins have a little tiny barb on the end of their spines.

• Avoid vinyl, plastic and leather on a hot day.

• Avoid bottle rockets and other fireworks.

• All hair on the body will burn equally well.

• Inspect abandoned metal objects before attempting to use them to open a beer bottle.

• Wasps nest hide in abandoned metal objects.

• A wasp sting between your eyes will blind you temporarily.

• It is scary being blind and naked with wasps flying around.

• Water encountered at high velocity will seek out places you never thought you had on your body.

• Skin lubricated with sunscreen or suntanning oil is not frictionless.

• Heed warning signs that say "Don't slide down bannister."

• Avoid climbing fences, especially barbed-wire ones.

• Wear an apron while grilling fatty meats.

• Hot dog jokes are funny.