I am continually being reminded that this, being the last year before I graduate from college, is likewise probably the last year I will have a real summer break. It seems especially poignant to me that VH1 was featuring I Love the '90s, a show highlighting the decade of my formative years, this month.
To wallow in my fading youth, I recently spent 10 hours straight watching each year roll by in one-hour increments, stretching and preening between episodes. My youthful revelry concluded just as my mother came home from work and screeched, "Why didn't you vacuum?"
Indeed. Like many of the most thought provoking questions from the '90s, this remains unanswered.
While it is fresh in my jaded head, I give you now, my own personal highlights of my I Love the '90s Youth:
1990--Collapse of the Soviet Union. I stole a unicorn from a box of Berry Bear fruit snacks from the old M&W market on Fort Street. My mother still refuses to see a connection.
1991--First Gulf War made embargos against Iraq a Republican fad, and Grunge music became popular with Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit." Flannel shirts being too close to my farming roots, I refuse to participate.
1992--The birth of the World Wide Web. Bush Senior vomits on Japanese Prime Minister making the premier of Barney the Dinosaur, a purple carnivore who loves kids and "sharing," seem inevitable.
1993--Bill Clinton succeeds George H.W. Bush as president. Death of Frank Zappa. Jurassic Park premiers, shedding a grisly light on the sharing, caring dinosaur propaganda PBS is distributing.
1994--O.J. Simpson tried for killing his ex-wife and her boyfriend with a kitchen knife. Ironically, referred to as The Juice, he was acquitted.
1995--Nothing happened. Not a (yawn) thing.
1996--Princess Diana dies in car crash. Actress Farrah Fawcett makes a bizarre appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman. Fawcett tells long, rambling stories without a point, fails to understand simple questions, and gets easily distracted by things like blinking lights on the set, completely foreshadowing the Jessica Simpson phenomenon. Boise Foothills burn in 8th Street fire.
1997--The announcement of cloning made possible in the lovely form of Dolly the Sheep. Despite the possibilities, Pokemon, invented by the vomited-on Japanese becomes a bigger fad, except in Montana.
1998--Monica Lewinsky scandal. Clinton denies that he had sex with "that woman." His cigar cannot be reached for comment. Picabo Street wins gold medal at the winter Olympics in the Giant Slalom. I wonder how Farrah is doing ...
1999--Y2K: The computerized world was due to collapse at midnight. "The Big Whitey Meltdown," as it was known in underground bunker towns in Montana will plunge us into another Dark Age. That it failed to happen is one of the biggest disappointments of my and my Uncle Julio's life. Though he still has 4,000 pounds of oatmeal and over 300 cases of Schmidt Ice to remember it by, all I got was this lousy T-shirt.