Opinion » Bill Cope

My Favorite Things

(Most cash in a brown paper bag is acceptable)

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Today, for as long as I can keep it up, I intend to comment on things I think are very, very, very, very good ideas. Like No Child Left Behind. You may have heard of it. George Bush likes it, and so do I. I think it is a very, very, very good idea. I'll tell you why I think it's such a very good idea in a minute. But first, please stand by for a brief commercial announcement ...

ATTENTION, PROPONENTS, PATRONS, PROMOTERS AND PROPAGANDISTS ! Are you tired of paying BON MACY PRICES for WALMART PUNDIT SUPPORT, just to get that agenda of yours out to an UNSUSPECTING PUBLIC!? Are you looking for a BETTER DEAL!? Well look no further! Down at COPE, I'm slashing prices on ISSUE-RELATED ADVOCACY! 30 percent savings! 40 percent! EVEN 50 PERCENT OFF on some items of NATIONAL INTEREST! HOW CAN YOU SAY NO!? Stay tuned to THIS COLUMN to learn how you, too, can FOIST YOUR PROGRAMS off on people at BARGAIN BASEMENT RATES, and without them knowing COPE is GETTING PAID to do it! (Prices may vary depending on how close what you want me to say is to what I actually believe.)

Welcome back. Now, as to why No Child Left Behind is such a very brilliant policy ... The idea behind this very, very good policy, see, is that we have all these "childs." And the idea is to not "leave" any of them "behind." Isn't that about the best policy you've ever heard of? I sure think so. Why goodness gracious, I don't think I've ever heard of a better policy, anywhere. There's more to it, of course--something to do with making all these childs take tests all the time so's that somebody somewhere can somehow decide if behind is where they're not getting left. But basically, all you run-of-the-mill Americans need to know about it is how much George Bush cares about childs. Think about it. Why would he call his policy that if he didn't care deeply? Huh? Look, he didn't call it "Hell, Let's Leave a Few of the Little Bastards Behind" did he? No, he didn't, and there's a very good reason why. And that's the reason we all should support No Child Left Behind.

Another thing I think is about the best idea I ever heard is Bush's plan for reforming Social Security. Here's why: Immediately following this word from our sponsor...

GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE! You ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS must think I'm CRAZY!!! WOOPWOOPWOOP! Well, MAYBE ... I ... AM!! Call me as loony as you like, but here at COPE, I think $240,000 buckaroos is TOO MUCH TO PAY for getting your political plans, economic agendas and foreign policy schemes plugged. And that's NOT EVEN COUNTING what you're shelling out to all the OTHER sympathetic opinionators who AIN'T BEEN CAUGHT YET!!! Well, friends ... and ENEMIES, TOO ... shoot, it makes no never-mind t' me ... C'MON DOWN! I got the BIG deals! I got the LITTLE deals! Whether you're looking for a 50-CHAPTER BOOK on why liberals are STINKAROONY, or A FEW CHOICE WORDS on the president's pick of Homeland Security Honcho ... I GOT 'EM ALL IN STOCK!! LET'S TALK TURKEY!!! GOBBLE GOBBLE!

Yes, I'm more certain of it than I've ever been of anything. George Bush has come up with the best possible plan to keep Social Security solvent for all the generations to come. Honestly, I've looked into my own soul and I can't come up with even one person in all of history--or in all the centuries to come--who could do a better job of fixing Social Security and making sure every American will have plenty of money when they get old. After all, has anyone ever lost money by investing it? Yeah, give me a break. And besides, all we have to do is look at the way George Bush has fixed everything else. Gee, it's like he can do no wrong, isn't it? I'd let him program my VCR if only he had time. Gosh, I just wish I were young enough that I, too, could hand my money over to Bush's Wall Street buds.

And here's yet another very great, great idea: Alberto Gonzales. I think Gonzales is such a great idea as our new Attorney General that I'm urging every American to contact your elected representatives and tell them to approve him ... no questions asked! He's absolutely as good as it gets, or why would Enron have hired him? And the United Nations--i.e., the ridiculing of everyone in it from Kofi Annan on down--that's a great idea, too. And "Faith-Based" programs ... talk about your very, very good ideas. And outsourcing American jobs ... what an absolutely wonderful idea. Damn, I'm getting backed up on very good wonderful ideas here. But trust me, I'll get to them all, I promise. But first ...

GOING-OUT-O'-BUSINESS PRICES with a WAREHOUSE BARN SELECTION!!! That's what you get when you shop COPE! Weee-Dog! HOW DOES I DO THOSE THINGS I DOES? WOOPWOOP!

But SERIOUSLY, folks. Here at COPE, I buy in QUANTITY, keep my OVERHEAD low, sell CHEAP, and all while maintaining the same ETHICAL VOID you'd expect from NATIONALLY SYNDICATED outlets like ARMSTRONG WILLIAMS and all the OTHERS who AIN'T BEEN CAUGHT YET!!! That's why, instead of 240,000 buckaroos for a simple No Child Left Behind spiel, I can do the same job for $100,0 ... make that $50,000!!! And this COMING SATURDAY only, if you're here when COPE opens for business, I'll throw in a HOT DOG, a 16-ounce COCA-COLA, and an opinion on how well THE WAR IN IRAQ is going!!! For FREE!!! (Offer void to anyone whose respect I still give a damn about.)

Man o' man. It's like, suddenly, I'm so loaded down here with very wonderful, great ideas, I can hardly keep up. Letting backward western states manage their own endangered species, what a splendid idea. And no-bid contracts to Haliburton? Why did it take so long for someone to think of it? And Condoleeza Rice as Head of State? Such a super-duper idea, it makes you wonder why they ever messed around with Colin Powell, huh?

So many more. No overtime pay for salaried workers ... magnificent idea! WMDs were secretly shuttled to Syria, Hispanics should vote Republican ... uh, let's see here ... wildlife refuge oil will make the U.S. energy independent. Gad, I've never had so many great ideas in my life. And some people still don't believe it pays to advertise. No wonder Dennis Miller switched. (By the way, to those` concerned: For any super great ideas I simply don't have time to pump, there will be a partial refund in the mail come tomorrow morning. Trust me.)