I want to be one of the first to welcome the proposed creationist museum to Boise. After all, we're fortunate enough to have an Idaho history museum, an art museum, the Discovery Center--in effect, a museum of applied science--the Nature Center (a museum for fauna and flora freaks), a Basque Museum and a birds of prey museum. So honestly, don't you think it's high time our community had a museum for stupid people, too?
In fact, I am offering my services to help get them started. I imagine it must be tough to open a museum dedicated to creationism "science," what with there being absolutely nothing with which to stock it except for shit they make up. So I would very much like to help them make up more shit. If I don't mind saying so, I'm pretty good at making shit up, and the least I can do for the stupid people of Boise is to help get this museum up and running as fast as possible, if for no other reason than to open another location at which they can spend their time and money.
You know... instead of having to wait around for the next gun show or monster truck rally.
OK then, to get started, I want to make up something that will counter what that smarty-pants Neil deGrasse Tyson said about how he can prove the universe wasn't created 6,000 years ago, like all the stupid people know it was. See, Tyson is one of those "astrophysicists"--whatever the hell that is, right?--and he claims that since light can't travel any faster than 186,000 miles a second, it means the universe has to be billions of years old because how else could light from stars billions of light-years away have reached Earth?
Get it? He thinks if there has only been 6,000 years of universe, then the light from most of the stars and galaxies we see in the night sky could not have gotten here yet, and we couldn't even know they are out there.
Yeah, well here's what the Creationist Museum can tell Mister "Oh-Ain't-I-So-Smart" Tyson: Those stars and galaxies aren't nearly as far away as the astro-whatever-ists say they are. They just look like they're so far off because they're really a lot smaller than those science people have been telling us. Yeah, see, the sun is the biggest star there is in the whole universe--which is obvious to anyone who doesn't know better. Think about it... doesn't it just look bigger?
Of course it does! So God gave us the biggest, bestest star there is anywhere, and all the others that are a little farther out look like pebbles next to it. That's because they are pebbles next to it. Even smaller than pebbles, some of them. Some of them are so small they look like specks of sand, and it takes one of those big Hubble micro-gizmos to see them, they're so itsy-bitsy.
There, Mister Neil deGrasse Tyson. Suck on that! Didn't you ever see Men In Black, you nerd? Remember the teeny galaxy they kept on a cat's collar. Well, they're all like that.
OK, another thing I've made up is an answer to the question, "How could all of the Earth's species have found room on the ark?" See, them snotty educated people are always pointing out how there are way too many different kinds of animals to fit on any boat that was made out of "cubits"--which was some kind of tree, I think. Why, they say, there are over a million kinds of beetle alone, so how could two of everything get crammed into one dinky ship?
So when someone like that shows up at the museum, tell them this: See, first, all the littlest bugs--your gnats and fleas and no-see-'ems--marched two-by-two into the mouths and down the gullets of the bigger bugs, which marched down the gullets of all the little birdies and salamanders and titmice and gerbils. Then all them little critters marched down the gullets of bigger critters, which marched down the gullets of still bigger critters, and so on and so on.
See how it worked? By the time all that marching down gullets was done, the only animals Noah had to squeeze into the ark were the ones too big to fit into any other animals' gullet. But each one of them big animals had packed inside them... oh, I'd say, a million other critters. Maybe even 2 million. And then, when Noah parked that ark up on that Mount Arafat, they all came marching out of each others gullets and went their separate ways.
Oh, and if some know-it-all brings up stomach acid, you tell him that stomach acid wasn't around back then. That's something Satan thought up later.
OK, that's all I have room for here. I wanted to make up some shit that would explain how all the plants made it through the Flood--since there's a lot of them that don't care much to be submerged in saltwater--or how carbon dating and geologic stratification are things that Satan invented at the same time he came up with stomach acid, but it'll have to wait.
I did want to mention, though, if those Creationist Museum people were wondering what to put in their displays, I suggest cartoons and dioramas. Cartoons are always good for getting the attention of little kids, and it would work even better if God just happened to bear a striking resemblance to SpongeBob SquarePants, know what I mean?
And picture this for a diorama: Noah saddled up on a big-ass, open-mouthed T-Rex with a tiger coming up out of his throat, with a happy monkey inside the tiger's mouth, with a guinea pig inside the monkey's mouth, with a cockroach inside the guinea pig's mouth, with a lady bug inside the cockroach's mouth, with an aphid inside the lady bug's mouth, with a paramecium inside the aphid's mouth, with a...