Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: Wha'? Jade Helm 15, You Say? Sorry... Don't Know What You're Talking About.


To: martial law strike force team guys
Subject: you know what...

Uh oh, fellas. Looks like the geniuses down in Texas have figured out what we're up to.

But what the hell did they expect us to do? If they were part of nearly any other country, there would have been federal troops on the street corners for years. Probably ever since that thing in Dallas. Remember what Jack told Jackie on the plane to down there?... "We're heading into nut country."

And that about says it all, doesn't it? Far as I'm concerned there should have been martial law declared that very day. And there probably would have been, if his successor hadn't been a damn Texan.

But when they put George W. in the governor's seat, that should have told us that sooner or later, we'd have to go in. I mean, good gravy... Bush... then that dork Perry... then this new one. What's his name?... Greg Abbott? Sweet Jesus!... what more proof do we need that they are incapable of governing themselves, when all they ever elect to public office are nitwits?

Take that sack o' bananas they send to Congress. Gad! Ted Cruz? You're kidding me. In any decent state, that asshole would be on a mandatory no-fly list. And Louie Gohmert?... does he even know how to use a toilet?

I swear, the roster of bums they've unloaded on the rest of us seems to be endless. Tom Delay... David Koresh... the Hunt Brothers... now this Pamela Geller witch. Makes you wish old Santa Anna would have kicked Sam Houston's butt back to Alamo-burg, doesn't it? Then they'd be Mexico's problem.

But no, we had to let the crazy bastards into the country in the first place. And then, not 15 years later, what do they do? Join the f***ing Confederacy and try to secede from the Union, that's what!

And what have they done for us lately? Other than Ann Richards and Molly Ivins, I mean.

Oh, and Willie Nelson.

I keep hearing stories about how cool Austin is. You know, with that big, super-hip music scene they supposedly have. But I gotta tell ya, most of it still sounds like hillbilly yodeling to me. And besides, even if they were turning out the most exciting, innovative music in the world, it wouldn't make up for Ted Cruz.

Or the slaughter on their death row, either. Seriously, would they even care if they found out they were executing innocent people? It's like they're running some kind of death cult down there. Think about it... is it just coincidence that a killing machine like Chris Kyle was a Texan? Or that the Age of Gun Mayhem kicked off with Charles Whitman in that Texas tower?

And where else could a psychopath like Cheney go when he gets an urge to shoot an old man in the face with a shotgun, without any repercussions whatsoever?

Then they have the nerve to bitch about a little martial law. Hell, they should feel lucky we don't go full Sharia law on their redneck asses!

I don't even think we should lock them up in Wal-Mart stores, either. Hell, no! Too comfortable. I think we oughta ship 'em out into the Gulf and leave 'em all squatting on those deep sea oil rigs. I bet within a week, they'd be bragging about how they had the best cannibal barbecue in the world.

Now, I don't want you to worry none because that Abbott dick says he will assign the Texas National Guard to keep an eye on us for any signs of the big JH15 coup. Keep in mind, the Texas National Guard is full of Texans, so obviously, we don't have to expect any cracker-jack counter strategies or Einstein military maneuvers. Remember, it was their Air Guard that let George Bush join.

Secondly, I suspect the fiercest resistance they could offer will come in the form of a barrage of hot air. I can almost picture a division of Chuck Norris impersonators lined up at the border yelling "Don't mess with Texas!" as our tanks roll in.

Still, until the troops from Kenya and Cuba get into position, discretion is the order of the day. Let the dumbshits spend a couple of months stewing in their little conspiracy theories, but you just wink and go on your way. And while you're training, make sure you practice your technique for taking guns from cold, dead fingers.

Incidentally, make damn sure you erase this communiqué from your hard drives.

Brigadier Cope—aka, Commander Cody—signing off.