Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: Trump Ad Infantitum


What do you think of this Donald Trump stuff, Mr. Cope?

Eww, I don't want to talk about him. Ask me about something else. Anything else.

But everyone's talking about Donald Trump.

That's right. Everyone's talking about Donald Trump. So why don't you and I talk about something else. What say we talk about ... oh, there's so many things. Just pick one of them and let's talk about that.

But I wanna talk about Donald Trump, Mr. Cope! I wanna! I wanna! Why can't we talk about Donald Trump? Why!?

Calm down, Junior. There's nothing to say about Donald Trump other than he's a crude, stupid, horse's ass. That's all that needs to be said about Donald Trump.

Well then why does everyone else have something to say about Donald Trump? Huh? They've been talking about nothing but Donald Trump for three weeks now, and I haven't heard one other person say he's a crude, stupid, horse's... er... pah-toot.

You mean I might be the first?

And besides, Mr. Cope... he may be crude and he may be a horse's hiney, but you can't call him stupid.

I can't?

I don't think so. Whether they like him or not, everyone else says he's smart. Donald Trump, himself, has said how smart he is just about every time he speaks.

Real smart people don't have to tell you how smart they are all the time, Bucky. And real smart people don't say the sorts of things Donald Trump says.

But those things he says, whatever else they are, sure get people's attention. Don't you think that's pretty smart?... really?... since a guy who wants to be president needs all the attention he can get?

Not if the attention he's getting is proving to four-fifths of the people that he's not fit to be president.

Mr. Cope, he's way ahead in the polls. How do you account for that? Huh? Huh?

He's ahead in polls of Republican voters. All that says to me is that there are a lot of Republicans as stupid as Donald Trump.

But he's so rich! How could he be stupid if he's so rich.

Maybe it's because he's in a business where being smart isn't a huge necessity, especially when you start by inheriting a fortune. Maybe it's because real smart people don't do the sort of work he does because being super rich isn't what they care to do with their lives. Maybe it's because there is not now, nor has there ever been, a relationship between how rich a person is and how smart he is. Maybe it's because the kind of stupid Donald Trump is... blustery, braggy, a bullying, ranting blowhard... maybe that's exactly what it takes to succeed in the business he's in, in the part of the country he's in. Maybe somewhere else, in another environment, and in another line of work, the way he is... blustery, braggy, a bullying, ranting blowhard... would ensure his failure. But none of it means Trump is smart. It just means he's well adapted to his function. You know... like a walrus. Or a cockroach.

So if he's nothing but a blustery, braggy, rant-y, bully blowhard cockroach like you say, how do you explain that everyone is talking about him? Huh, Mr. Cope? How do you explain that?

Listen, Sparky. There is a peculiar strain in some Americans... hell, maybe it's everywhere... that is drawn to rant-y blowhard walrus bullies. I don't know why, but certain people are absolutely fascinated with that sort of behavior. Mesmerized, you might say. I can't tell you if it's attraction or repulsion, but I suspect it's a combination of both. It's the only way I can explain how clowns like Ted Cruz or Chris Christie could be considered serious human beings, let alone serious presidential material. It's a little like watching professional wrestlers, isn't it? It makes you want to puke, to see people acting like that, even when you realize it's all an act. But you just keep watching and watching, Mesmerized... like.

You think Donald Trump is all an act? That he's just putting on a show... like?

Well, yes. And no. I suspect he's been putting on an act most of his miserable life, probably because it's almost impossible for me to believe anyone can be that offensive naturally. It's easier to think they're working at it, know what I mean? Practicing it, nurturing it, refining it. On the other hand, think about how long it's been that we've been aware of Donald Trump. Since before you were born, Buster. And for all those years, he's been considered an offensive asshole. Twenty-five years ago, Berkeley Breathed considered Trump such an offensive asshole that he used him as a device to end his comic strip. Twenty-five years ago! And by that time, he was already known nationally as an offensive asshole. So let's say the country knew he was an offensive asshole... say... 30 years ago. He'd have to have been an offensive asshole for years before that, you see, because it takes time to establish yourself in the minds of that many people. Wouldn't you say? So let's say he spent 10 years before everyone in the country knew he was an offensive asshole acting like one, which would mean he has been behaving like a functioning offensive asshole for 40 years, at least. He's a year older than me, so that means he has been acting like an offensive asshole since he was 28 years old. Right? And how can anyone put on an act, continuously, for 40 years, without actually becoming what you're pretending to be? See what I mean? I mean... at this point, I'd say it's pretty much impossible to separate the man from the act.

Jeez, Mr. Cope. All I wanted to know is if you think he has any chance at all of being elected president.

No, I don't. But then, if Id been a German in 1932, I wouldn't have believed another, even worse, blustery, braggy, bullying, ranting blowhard could be elected to head a modern country. But... surprise, surprise, huh?