Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: They Owe Us


What say we—the taxpayers of Idaho—all drive over to Lynn Luker's house and collect the $40,000 or so he's soon going to owe us? First, though, let us take a moment here to express our gratitude to Gov. C.L. "Butch" Otter for his wise decision to call for a special session of the...

...of... of the state...

...the state Legislature in order... guuuuuuuh, in order to resolve... ah screw this!

I'm sorry, but I can't do it. I simply cannot thank a man, whose job it is to see to the welfare and well-being of Idahoans and their children, for reluctantly agreeing to do his job.

Besides, I can't help but feel that had he and that collection of paranoid loons who have been kayaking this state down the rapids of ideological absurdity for far too long not built their credentials, campaigns and political careers by strutting their anti-fed erections on full display like intellectual deviancy was something to be proud of, we wouldn't be in this situation to start with.

Seriously, people even denser than Otter would never have been elected to the Legislature. Saying the stupidest things imaginable and taking the stupidest stands based on the stupidest reasoning would be reason to lose elections, not win them. Embarrassing Idaho would be frowned upon, not rewarded. There would be no Lynn Luker in state governance. No Sheryl Nuxoll. No Vito Barbieri. No roach nest of idiots voting to kill essential legislation because they heard some goofy bat-shit rumor about how Muslims were out to mess with Idaho.

No, were it not for the stage set by Butch Otter, Dirk Kempthorne, Larry Craig, Helen Chenoweth and so many other strutting erections, who knows?... we might just have a state government that performed necessary functions in some sort of orderly fashion, and we wouldn't be compiling a steady resume of failure—i.e., the broadband fiasco, the ICC prison fiasco, the "Students Come First" fiasco, the Medicaid expansion fiasco, the legal fight against gay marriage fiasco...

And now... the child support fiasco.

Granted, it's unlikely we'll end up losing the millions in federal administrative aid and the actual child support that a handful of numbnuts endangered, because in the end, enough of the numbnuts will be pressured to change their vote, and this whole episode will turn out as just another useless exercise in numbnuttery. Still, the cost of wiping up their mess will run up to $40,000 a day. And sooner or later we have to ask just how much money will these "fiscal conservatives" be allowed to flush down the crapper before a majority of Idaho voters realize their state is being run by a three-ring freak show?

Which is why I suggest we get Rep. Luker—or as I call him, "A good reason Boise shouldn't get too cocky about the idiots from other parts of the state"— to pick up the tab for this special legislative session. I mean, if you or I went down to the Statehouse and got caught busting a vase or screwing up a urinal, you can bet we'd get the bill for it, yes? Luker can work it out with the other eight jerk-offs on the committee who voted with him how to split it up.

The other eight jerk-offs to whom I refer?... Don Cheatham, Thomas Dayley, Ryan Kerby, Shannon McMillan, Ronald Nate, Heather Scott, Kathleen Sims and Janet Trujillo... Republicans, all. And there are a couple of others who by all rights should pitch in: Vito Barbieri and Sheryl Nuxoll. That's right, the same Sheryl Nuxoll recently awarded the title of Official State Dumbshit.

Barbieri—a transplant from Texas, and doesn't that explain a few things—isn't one of those who directly tossed the child support baby in the dumpster. In fact, he isn't even on the relevant committee. Nevertheless, Barbieri—Mr. Vaginal Podcast, himself—gathered a dozen legislators to hear a presentation by one of those wormy guys who make a living scaring the poop out of gullible morons by spreading ridiculous conspiracy theories. This particular wormy guy is a converted Muslim named Shahram Hadian, and his particular ridiculous theory is that by endorsing international cooperation in child support collection, it leaves the back door of the Idaho bunker unlocked and Sharia law would most certainly sneak in and force us all to stone adulterers and behead infidels—as though that wouldn't appeal to a great many of the sort of people who would take Shahram Hadian seriously.

From what I can tell, without Barbieri's intentional and malicious interference, the aforementioned gullible morons would likely have passed it in the regular session, without any of the avoidable drama now further humiliating Idaho.

Then, of course, Sheryl Nuxoll. She's rapidly becoming, if not Speaker of the House, then certainly the Biggest Mouth of the House. Holding Nuxoll responsible for following Barbieri's lead is like blaming Kermit for the words that guy with a hand up his ass puts in his mouth. Yet as a member of the party that piously preaches the gospel of personal responsibility, Nuxoll should understand she's liable for her share of this.

Now, if any or all of these numbnuts don't think it's fair they should have to pay for a special session out of their own pockets, I'd be willing to forget the whole thing if Luker puts everyone up at his house—the whole Legislature—and makes sure they get fed. That'd save them a lot of money. Oh, and they have to buy everybody's get-back-to-Boise gas, too.

And if any of them refuse to pay up, we could take it out of his or her state paychecks, just like the child support legislation provides as the answer to dead-beat dads.