Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: The BengHA-HAzi Hearing

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From what I hear, my little buddy, the interview kid, still has the blues and won't be coming by today. I can't help but feel responsible to some degree that he's so depressed. I didn't realize (what I call) "the Cubbies Collapse" was so communicable.

(WARNING: Read last Friday's "Mr. Cope's Cave" if you want to know why he got so upset... but NOT if you're a Cubs fan. Definitely not! I'd rather you didn't find out what I said Friday. I don't know where the tipping point is for the typical Cubs fan, but I would imagine you're already dangerously near to it after Wednesday night, and I don't want to be responsible for putting you over the edge.)

At any rate, Junior's still healing and won't be here today to ask me about Thursday's Benghazi hearing—or as I call it, the How's It Feel To Get Stomped By Hillary? hearing—and that's unfortunate. I was actually looking forward to sharing with him my thoughts on the proceeding while it's still fresh in my mind, and I thought it would be a tad more palatable to certain people if it came filtered through my little friend. But alas, it looks like I'll have to tackle it on my own.

(WARNING: You're certainly welcome to read the following impressions of the How's It Feel To Get Stomped By Hillary? hearing, but I don't recommend you do if you are a Trey Gowdy fan. Or a fan of any of the other six Republicans on the committee. Or if you were wishin' and a hopin' that, somehow or another, those seven dwarves would pin Hillary to a campaign-killing moment. I don't know where the tipping point is for the typical Clinton-hating conservative, but I would imagine you're already dangerously near to it after Thursday, and I don't want to be responsible for putting you over the edge.)

There was so much we might take away from what happened in that hearing room Thursday. After all, stick a camera in a cage full of chimpanzees for 11 hours, and you're going to see something instructive, if not unusual. Even though the hearing uncovered not one single, relevant, thing about what happened on that night in Benghazi that the whole world didn't already know, we can still learn much valuable information from observing the participants.

So much valuable information, in fact, that we could spend another 11 hours and more analyzing just the hysterical behavior of the Republican members of the committee. However, in the interest of brevity, I shall discuss only three of the more salient features of the day.
  • First, committee member Martha Roby, of Alabama, proved beyond any doubt that she is a humorless harridan. This was demonstrated most sharply by her harpy-like response to Hillary's laughter at the suggestion she might not have spent that night alone. Roby actually scolded Hillary, using the opportunity to show how pious and pure and deeply felt her own sympathies were regarding the deaths of those Americans, even though the question she had asked had nothing whatsoever to do with those four men or their deaths. As abnormal as this humor vacuum might be in a healthy brain, it is not unusual within Republican circles. At some point—I date it to the evening of Nov. 4, 2008, about the time Barack Obama was declared the winner—the entire Republican Party emptied out its already meager humor reserves and filled the empty space with a perpetual sense of self-righteous hostility.

    Nonetheless, as well adjusted human beings know, a complete lack of humor can in itself be most humorous. For example, without doubt the most hilarious moment in the entire proceeding was when Rep. Roby barked out, "I don't see what's so funny!"

  • Contrary to popular belief, I am here to tell you that oily sheen on Trey Gowdy's forehead—which got greasier and greasier looking as the day wore on—was not sweat. No, it was some sort of industrial coolant oil Gowdy had to apply in greater and greater portions to that bulbous melon of his as it slowly began to dawn on him that this massive, wasteful, sneaky attempt to sabotage Mrs. Clinton wasn't working in any way, that it was probably doing far more harm to the GOP than to her, and that if anyone came out of the hearing looking like an incompetent asshole, it was most likely going to be him.

    I can't tell you where you might get some of this coolant goop yourself, but its purpose is to keep one's head from exploding under extreme pressure.

  • Finally, the thing that needs to be said most about the Republicans on the select committee may come as a shock, but it's so obviously true, it simple cannot be denied: Trey Gowdy, and the whole Republican leadership for that matter, were—until Thursday—happy as hell that Ambassador Christopher Stevens and three others were killed by a mob of Muslims in Benghazi, three years ago.
Oh yes, they certainly tried to portray themselves as passionately bereaved over the four American lives lost that night, but who's kidding who? Remember, this is the same bunch that stands by and lets 32,000 Americans die every year, rather than do anything that might disrupt the flow of contributions from the firearms cartel. This is the same bunch that allowed 3,000-plus Americans to die in Iraq, rather than question the Bush/Cheney doctrine of neocon international piracy. This is the same bunch that thinks nothing of thousands and thousands of Americans dying from preventable and treatable health problems, rather than provide even coverage to the citizens of this land.

So four dead in Benghazi?... Pffft!

Except, of course, for the opportunity the tragic incident provided to turn those casualties into a "Crush Clinton" crusade. If you don't believe me, all you have to do is speculate how they would have treated the matter had it happened under a Republican administration.

Like... how they still try to ignore the previous administration's blatant negligence after that other tragic incident. You know the one I mean. New York City? About 14 years ago?