Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: Suuuh-Weep!

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Too bad about those Cubbies, huh?

Sure is. I was hoping like hell they'd make it to the Series. Maybe even win it all. Wouldn't that o' been great?

Really? Gosh, Mr. Cope. I didn't think you cared anything about sports.

Oh, I don't, but I was thinking if Chicago finally won a World Series we wouldn't have to listen to Cubs' fans whine anymore about how long it's been. Know what I mean?

Er, I'm not sure.

It's like the Red Sox, Junior. Notice how there's a lot less blabbing about the Red Sox now that they have some recent World Series wins under their belts? Remember all those years when they were yakking about the curse of the Bambino and Buckner's boner in game six and all that "perennial loser" stuff? Seems like it's all anyone could talk about when it came to Boston. Blabba-blabba-Sox this, blabba-blabba Sox that. Jeez, I was starting to think everybody from Boston was a drooling sports moron.

Um, I guess I hadn't really noticed.

Yup, it's true, Boo Boo. See, some sports teams get attention for what extraordinary winners they are... like the Yankees and the whatchacall'em Patriots... while other teams get their attention from what extraordinary losers they are. That would be your Cubs and New York Jets and the Red Sox. At least, until the Red Sox finally won some Series. And now they're just another team like most of the others. Somewhere in between, where we don't hear much about them. Which I like. Not hearing much about sports teams, I mean.

You were hoping that would happen to the Cubs?... that they'd finally win and you wouldn't have to hear about them so much?

Exactly! You got it, BamBam. Even if the Cubs had just won the pennant and not the Series, the fans might have shut up about how disappointed they always are, about how let down they always feel, about how there's always next year... wah, wah, wah. Get it?... it would have been a win-win for everybody... the Cubs, the Cubs' fans, an' me! But... as I should have known would happen... the Cubs blew it. Again. Say, why aren't you asking me about the congressional hearing yesterday? You know, with Hillary and the hyenas. I was sure that's what you'd come over to talk about today.

Well, actually, Mr. Cope, that is what I came over to ask you about. I just thought I'd start the conversation off with a little small talk about the playoffs. It usually loosens people up some, to start with a little sports chatter. At least, with some people. But now... and I don't know why exactly... but if you don't mind, I don't really feel like talking about the Benghazi hearing. In fact, I actually think I should just go home and be by myself. I sort of feel, uh... I don't know. I guess I'd have to say I feel depressed. I don't know what's wrong with me.

You're depressed?

Uh-huh. I don't know why I feel depressed, but I do.

You feel disappointed?

Uh-huh, definitely disappointed.

Let down?

Uh-huh. I suddenly feel really, really let down, for some reason. 

You can't help but feel wistful? Pensive? Like maybe you could just curl up in a ball and sob?

Exactly! How did you know, Mr. Cope? What's wrong with me?

It's simple, Scooby. You're a Cubs fan. Probably a recessive gene or something like that, and what I said brought it out. Sorry 'bout that. Last thing I'd want to do to anyone is turn him into a Cubs fan.

Oh, it's OK, Mr. Cope. I'll be OK... maybe in a few days or so. Maybe I'll do what you suggest... curl up in a ball and sob. And besides... there's always next year. 

That's right, Augie. That's right. You just keep telling yourself that.