Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: Sarah Palin is Soooooooooooo Stupid...

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Mr. Cope, I sure hope you're going to write something about that thing Sarah Palin said.

You bet, Junior. I'll do it right now. How's this—"Sarah Palin is stupid!"

Aw, c'mon. You have to say more than that, I hope.

OK. How about this—"Sarah Palin is sooooooo stupid, she makes Donald Trump look smart!"

That's not enough, Mr. Cope. Nowhere near it. She insulted Bill Nye the Science Guy. Bill Nye the Science Guy! You need to really... really stick it to her.

Wow. You're really, really, upset about this, aren't you?

Well wouldn't you be upset if someone had insulted one your childhood heroes? Why, if it weren't for Bill Nye, I might have grown up without ever knowing anything about... about... you know, all that stuff. The ph scale, for one thing. Or magnetism. Or dinosaurs! Good heavens, everything I know about dinosaurs is because of Bill Nye the Science Guy!

I know, Squiggly, I know. I watched his show with my daughter when she was a kid. You don't have to tell me how great Bill Nye the Science Guy is.

And then Sarah Palin...

Who is soooooooo stupid, by the way, she'd have to look up the word "stupid," if she knew what a dictionary was.

Yeah. That's right. And then she has the nerve to say he isn't a real scientist. That he's just an actor who plays a scientist on teevee. She doesn't know anything about Bill Nye.

Of course she doesn't, Squeaky. She doesn't know anything about anything. No field of expertise, no body of knowledge, no talents for learning, no interest in expanding her horizons, no curiosity about anything in this universe other than herself... that's Sarah Palin, mouthing her meaningless existence through a great intellectual and emotional vacuum. That's why she's so popular among all those people who spend their lives resenting intelligence because they don't have any.

But all she would have had to do was look up Bill Nye, and she would have seen how he's not an actor at all. That he's a real engineer and scientist.

But looking up things isn't something idiots do, is it? If it were, we wouldn't have so many idiots around. Besides, this is a person who gets paid a lot of money to be a mouthy idiot, not the least bit ashamed to show the world how little she knows. You don't think she volunteered to go preview that dumbass anti-climate change movie, do you? Hell no. This is a person who doesn't have an opinion until someone pays her to have it. For the right price, she'll say anything a special interest group wants to hear.

You know, Mr. Cope, when you put it like that, it sort of makes her sound a little like a... like a...

Prostitute?

Uh-huh. That's the nice word for it.

Nah. I wouldn't call Sarah Palin a prostitute. For starts, with a real prostitute, you actually get something for your money. You touch a physical reality and you're touched back. With Palin, all the customers get is a distorted reflection of their own mental vacuity, gussied up a bit to look like it's coming from someone important. She's more like one of those warped, carnival fun-house mirrors than a prostitute. All surface with nothing behind it.

Uh-huh... yeah... I'm glad you said that, Mr. Cope. Sarah Palin is just a nothing dummy, and nothing she can say will hurt Bill Nye because he's real substance.

That's right, Squirrel. Bill Nye is real substance and Sarah Palin is nothing more than a... than a, like, a socio-politico-erotico fantasy for right wing deviants, that's what she is. I wouldn't be a bit surprised to find out that all along, she's been nothing more than one of those computer generated images, like in that one movie?... what was it? Ava-something... and every time she shows up in public, she's really being holographically-projected onto the stage from some sort of...

Uh, Mr. Cope. I think maybe you're carrying this a little too far.

What? Oh. Yeah. I have a tendency to do that.

But, anyway, thanks. I feel better now.

Good... good. And I feel better that you feel better.

Mr. Cope? Do you ever start to worry that maybe you're nothing more than a projection of my inner thoughts and wishes and emotions?

Huh? Hey, hold on there, Squirmy. That's not the way this...

Gotta run. See you in a few days.

Hey. Hey! Come back here!