Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: Gentlemen... Ladies... Start Your Engines... It's Time For...

by

The 2016 installment of the "Official State Dumbshit" competition!

Of all the delightfulness and joy we have coming our way now that the Legislature is back in town, my personal favorite is that glorious old Idaho tradition, the "Official State Dumbshit" competition.

Ah, I kid. Looking for delightfulness and joy in an Idaho legislative session is like digging for precious gems in a dog turd, and we all know it. What's more, the Official State Dumbshit competition isn't old and it's not an Idaho tradition. I started it last year, and it wouldn't surprise me to learn I'm the only one who likes it.

With that said, I do like it, and I'm going to do it again. I consider it a diversion to that irritating drone that rises out of the Statehouse, when so many mediocre minds are all gathered in one place. I have no worries that it will not be another great year for the competition. As potential contestants drift into Boise from Placenta Pile and Crotch Crossing... from Down Wind Flats and the Four Wives Valley... from Sugar Beet Ferry and Cyanide City and Mail-Order Whoretown and Sucker Sump and Dead Mule Corners and Brothel Bend... from every other burg and ville of this great state of ours... I am confident we will be getting the best and brightest those communities have to offer—at least, as chosen from among the denizens of those communities whose normal lives are so insubstantial that they have time to piddle away three or four months in Boise every year on the taxpayers' dime. Which, of course, makes it that much more sad that these are the people who will decide the course of the state for another year.

But then, hey... without them, how would we ever get a decent Official State Dumbshit event up and running, huh? It'd be like trying to select the prize winning hog at the state fair, having only the Hormel rejects and in-bred runts to chose from, right?

My friends, I'm here today to tell you this runt race is off to a great start. Before the Legislature even gaveled into session last Monday, three of the members had set the pace for the rest of the competition. On the weekend before the legislative kick-off, Reps. Heather Scott, Judy Boyle and Sage Dixon—all Republicans and two of them from up Bonner County way, where "embarrassing" is rapidly becoming the lifestyle of choice—took it upon themselves to take a run over to Malheur County, Ore., in order to get the mangy, public property-snatching morons' side of the stand-off story.

Whether they were invited to stick their hayseed noses into a national affair, or indeed, if they were asked at all, is unclear, as answers differ depending on what report you read. The trio put out a press release indicating an unnamed Oregon legislator asked them, while in a press conference they staged upon returning, Dixon made it sound like the Bundy Bums, themselves, invited them. "I don’t know if they [the protesters] specifically chose us three, but we may have been the three that responded.”

Duh.

Other versions indicate what I suspect is the truth, that they saw an opportunity to make themselves look like somebodies, and they took it.

Alert dumbshit watchers will recognize Scott, Dixon and Boyle as being members of the "Gang of 23," that collection of ninnies who so embarrassed Idaho last spring when a special session was called for the purpose of undoing the damage they had done to the legal mechanism that ensures support is provided to children of broken homes. Scott in particular seems to have an attraction to men toting guns. She loves to speak before crowds of second amendment nuts and is currently cosponsoring a bill in the Legislature that would make it a constitutional right to carry a concealed firearm with no permit or background check of any sort.

(Side note: Idaho is one of 21 states where gun-related deaths now outnumber vehicle-related deaths. Maybe, with Scott's help, we can get to be No. 1 on that list, you suppose?)

From all indications, Boyle and Dixon are mere go-along-ers. Grin-and-be-seen-ers. Dust bunnies drifting along in the breeze of a self-serving cause. In other words, they are no more than willing putty to be molded into any shape that fit a demagogue's purpose. They are dumbshits, to be sure, but my sense is they are dumbshit followers, not dumbshit leaders.

But keep your eye on Scott, my fellow Idahoans. She's only been in the state's governing body for two years but has already risen to a prominent position as a flapping mouth in the most witless wing of the most witless party. As that party continues to dominate Idaho politics for the foreseeable future, I think we can expect to see a great deal more witlessness and mouth-flapping out of Scott, don't you agree?

It must be comforting to the gun-strutting trash of our state that, in Scott, they will always have someone in elected office who will take their strutting seriously. Orchestrating the meaningless Oregon excursion to meet with the meaningless militia goons, alone, has earned her the first nomination in this year's Official State Dumbshit competition. But you just watch, the legislative session is young and she has weeks and weeks to out-do herself.