Opinion » Bill Cope

Mr. Cope's Cave: Absolutely Not About Yik Yak


..."Nasty, over-indulged little spoiled pukes who insist on claiming a right that doesn't exist."


Remember? Friday? You told me to say that back to you so you'd remember what you wanted to say. It has something to do with Yik Yak, you said.

Oh, yeah. Yik Yak. But I changed my mind. I don't want to talk about that today.

But I told my boss our interview today would be about Yik Yak, and he's all excited because of what's happening at the College of Idaho. You've heard about that, haven't you?

I heard about it, yes. Of course I heard about it. That's why I wanted to talk about Yik Yak, the thing at the C of I. But that was Friday. It's Monday now, and I want to talk about something else.

Darnit, Mr. Cope! Sometimes you make me wonder why I even bother.

Bother to what?

Never mind. OK, so, what do you want to talk about today?

The East Ada School District.

I think you mean the West Ada School District, don't you?

No, dammit! I do not mean the West Ada School District. I mean the East Ada School District... formerly known as the Boise School District.

Uh, I didn't know they changed the name. When did that happen?

This morning. And they didn't change the name. I changed the name. That's what I'm going to call it from now on... the "East Ada School District."

Jeepers, I'm not sure you can do that, Mr. Cope. I think maybe it's against the law or something.

Well then, Junior, how the hell did they get away with changing the Meridian School District's name to that blah generic bullsquat nothingness, the "West Ada School District?" Huh? Huh? I mean, nobody asked me if they could do it. We didn't get to vote on it. Nobody sent out a questionnaire or a notice or held a public hearing, not that I ever heard about. No sir, they just did it, and then told us about it.

Gosh, Mr. Cope. That was like, uh, a year ago or so. Why are you all upset about it now, all the sudden?

Because I was checking out who to vote for in tomorrow's school board election, and it just pissed me off, that why. A hundred years, we're the Meridian School District, then we're not. Pisses me off, that's what! The candidate list in that daily paper we're stuck with didn't even report where they are from! Didn't even say whether they live in Meridian, or that pretentious craphole over there across the river.

You mean Eagle?

Yeah, I mean Eagle! Or as I call it "pretentious crapholeburg."

Do you think it might have been Eagle people who wanted to change the name to West Ada School District?

Think about it, Scooby. Why in hell would anyone from Meridian want to change the name? A hundred years, we're named one thing, then some quibbling little busy-body buttinski has to go change it! Piss-ez me off!

But you seem to be the only one all mad about it. I haven't heard of anyone else from Meridian complaining.

OK, Blinky, how many other people from Meridian have you asked about it?

Uh, actually, I haven't asked anyone. Not even you. I thought we were going to be talking about Yik Yak today.

You know what I'd o' done if I'd thought of this earlier? If I had the time to do it? I would have insisted that all the candidates explain their position, in depth, on why we shouldn't change the name back to Meridian School District. That's what I'd o' done. Wish I'd thought of it earlier.

Don't you think the Eagle people might have gotten tired of being identified as patrons of the Meridian School District? You know?... seeing as how they live in another town and all.

Screw Eagle people! And Star people too! If they don't like being in the Meridian School District, let 'em go start their own school district. It's not like we need 'em. Snots.

Goodness, if you keep this up, you're going to have Eagle people demanding you be fired, Mr. Cope. They're going to complaining that you're some kind of Eagle hate monger or north-of-the-river town discriminator.

Well, one thing we know about Eagle people, right?... they're always complaining about something or other. Good crap, they spend half their time over there complaining about other Eagle people, you noticed?

Um, they do seem to do a lot of griping about each other, it's true.

Yup, that's what I should o' done, if I'd thought of it earlier. Make 'em announce their positions on re-retro-naming this school district. Yup.

I'm sorry, Mr. Cope. But I just don't see what difference it makes what the school district is called.

And there's another damned thing about this whole damned thing. The Kuna School District is still the Kuna School District. And they're about as far west as you can get in Ada County. If anybody ought to be the West Ada School District, it should be the Kuna School District.

But, uh, why does that matter? Why does any of this matter, Mr. Cope?

Why does any of this matter? Why does any of this matter!? I'll tell you why this matters! Because... because... well, actually, I'm not sure. But I think it has something to do with how you spend a 100... maybe 150 years, getting along just fine thank you very f***ing much, being one thing, then a bunch of people move here because they don't like where they were born anymore, and where their mothers and fathers and grandparents were born, and they move here like tumbleweeds and jackrabbits and start changing everything, including the goddamn name of what you lived your whole life with, and your mother lived her whole life with, and your grandpa and grandma... and... and... well, it just pisses me off, that's why it matters. And that's why I changed the Boise School District name to "the East Ada School District." Just to show those North End, foothills, ParkCenter, BoDo Boise snobs what it feels like.

I'm sure they'll feel the sting, Mr. Cope. I'm sure they will.

You bet, Sonny. Now these tumbleweed people will know better than to mess with Meridian guys. Dammit.

So, do you feel better? Now that you've talked about it?

Now that you mention it, I believe it do. I believe I feel better.

So, could we talk about Yik Yak now? Maybe?

Not today, Junior. We're cutting into my naptime here.