Opinion » Bill Cope

'Mpeachy Keen

Red's been gatherin' up singitchers


"Cope, y'r lawn's looking a tad ratty. What's goin' on? You got too dumpy t' get up off'n y'r bum an' mow it?"

"My mower broke, Red. And I haven't gotten around to getting a new one. And who are you to talk, anyway? The only water your lawn has gotten all summer is when the neighbor's rottweilers come over to pee on it. It looks like the kind of place mobsters go to dump dead bodies.""You ain't got no perhoozah to be criticalizing my yard, Cope! Jus' acause it ain't all hoity-toity green an' such. I happen to like yeller, an' if'n that's the color I chose f'r my lan'scapin' scheme, it ain't none o' your gull durn ears wax! An' what're you doin' looking at my lawn for, anyhows?"

"I've been wondering where you've been all summer, so I drove by."

"You mean ya' missed me?"

"Uh, don't think I'd go that far. But I was curious why you haven't come over to bitch about anything lately."

"Cope, I got lots t' do what don't involvorate around you. I been busy. I ain't even read your smelly ol' column since 'bout Independence Day, I been so busy. Why, I been so gull durn busy, I ain't hardly had time t' tune in Rush on m' radio. Busy, busy bizzzz-eee."

"OK, I'll bite. What exactly is it that's had you so busy?"

"Gatherin' up singitchers, Cope. That's what I been doin'. I spent a week in Kuna alone, gatherin' up singitchers. Then I went down t' Melba, then Homedale, then Fruitsland, then Marsling, then... "

"I get it. You went all over the place, gathering signatures. And what, exactly, were people signing, Red?"

"A perdition to 'mpeach that president o' yourn. Sometimes I had three... four folks at once waitin' in line t' sign up. 'Specially out in Kuna"

"I might of known. Red, tell me something. Why is it you have to dive head-first into all the gunkiest glop that drips off the right-wing dump truck? You're like a magnet for stupid ideas, you know that? You hear about some brain fart out of some degenerate down in Texas... or Florida... or Nampa... and you always have to join the loon line. Impeach Obama, my ass! Do you even have a grounds in mind? Let me tell you something, Red. Impeachment is the penalty for a misdeed that actually has to happen first! It's not some political pissy-fit you throw whenever your joker can't win an election."

"We can fill in somethin' later on the line where it says what he done. The 'mportant thing right now is to get him 'mpeached. An' I guaranteeze ya', sooner 'r later, he's gonna do somethin' worth the effort. Whats 'bout him gettin' us into another war wit' that there other country's Arabs?"


"Dang right, I'm serious! That oughta do f'r grounds. I think they call it 'missapprobationin' of guv'mint resources.' Or something like that."

"Red, you dope. At this point in time, we have no idea how this Syria thing is going to play out. So what are you going to say if he doesn't go to war?"

"Then I'd say that'd be grounds f'r 'mpeachment, too! If'n he lets that Basher Ass-Hat feller get away with gassin' chil-runs, that's plen'y reason t' 'mpeach 'im!"

"No matter what he does about that situation, then, it's a crime?"

"That's how it is, Cope. First off, he thinks he can get away with startin' up a war without telling Congress what he plans t' do... which is breakin' the rules about who gets to start a war... then he goes an' ennuncitates what he plans t' do... which is givin' aids an' comforts t' the enemy, plain as day. I tells ya', Cope, ever mornin' that man gets out o' bed, he's committin' an act o' traitorness."

"OK, Red, what would you do about that Syria mess?"

"It ain't my gull durn job t' figure out stuff like that, Cope."

"Just pretend for a second it is your job, and you have definitive evidence of a monstrous atrocity, and that it could happen again any day. And I don't mean the kind of cooked-up crap George W. Bush used to get us into Iraq. I mean real evidence that even the Tea Party clowns can't deny. Only, any action you take... or don't take... is going to piss off at least half the world. What would you do? Huh, Red, come on, What would you do?"

"Gull durn it, Cope! I'm tellin' ya' I don' know! I gets all turmoiled up inside jus' thinkin' 'bout it. How's 'bout you tell me what you'd do if'n you were pretendin' t' be president?"

"I don't know, either, Red. I truly don't. But Obama isn't pretending to be president. And he's far too moral a man to do nothing, as that slippery worm Jim Risch suggested, or to 'Let Allah sort it out,' like Palin said. However, I'm confident whatever he decides to do, the right will swarm him like the vermin they are."

"Wull whate'er he ends up doing, I'd call that a case o' 'Alienatin' Above an' Beyond the Call of Affection,' an' if'n that ain't grounds for 'mpeachin' him, I don' know what is."

"Now you're just making stuff up, Red. and it's making you look stupid. Can't you see that?"

"Cope, you already thought I was stupid. So whats I got t' lose?"

"Mmmm... impeachment on the grounds of 'We Got Nothing Left to Lose.' I suspect that's sufficient grounds for a good many people."

"Dang right it is. 'Specially out in Kuna."