Note: About that obituary I began last week and promised to complete this week... never mind. As it turns out, I lived. But listen, sooner or later something else will come up and I'll have reason to finish it, so hang onto "Part One," OK? I don't want to start again from scratch.
But seeing as how this week's reading material will not be "Part Two" as I had planned, I've been caught a bit short in my column account. Since I already had it in my head what I'd be writing about--at least, up until that moment when I realized I'd be fine--I hadn't troubled myself to come up with a fallback topic.
Not that there isn't plenty of stuff out there that might occupy a person of strong opinions like myself: the Syria situation, yet another mass shooting, the GOP threat to shut down the government, etc. But frankly, friends, I need more than a mere compelling issue to tap my creative juices keg.
So until I am back to full production level, I thought this to be a good time to check in on MulletBoy. As you remember, last spring he was trying to scrape enough cash together to buy his first assault rifle--a "Bushmasher," as he called it. He had joined a club calling itself the "United State of Idaho" whose mission it is to defend Idaho's sovereignty against any sort of onslaught. It sounded to me like the United State of Idaho was just another bunch of deluded hillbillies, working themselves up into a froth over the prospect of U.N. troops or ATF agents or whatever swarming over Owyhee County. But evidently, being a member filled a hole in MulletBoy's life, and who am I to question if that hole isn't where more sensible people would keep their intelligence?
Following is MulletBoy's latest "Randem Thinkings" entry:
Woo-ee Dawg! What a day this been! Ripster comes in the Loob 'N' Scoot right whiles I'm in the middle of debubblizing the brake fluid on one of them new Kia cars. Know the ones I mean? All boxy and square and colored like Skittles? They look like something them Hollywood girly-boys might dream up for a new Bruce Willis movie. Like maybe he's in the future again and he's driving a flying Kia when a hot alien babe falls through the roof and tells him to take her to the planet Nockerup or someplace like that or the world is about going to end. I told old Rip what I thought about them Kia cars and too, I told him about that movie idea what I just told you about, but he says "Cuz, that aren't no new Bruce Willis movie. That's an old Bruce Willis movie." And I say "Nu-uh. I just thought of it." And he says "Nu-uh, you didn't. It was called The Fifth Monkey or soemthing like that. Me and you rented it one night, but you fell asleep cause you were drunk. Don't you remember?"
And then I did, sort of, so I changed the subject. "What you doing here, Rip? Arn't we still going worm-jerking after work?" And he says "Aren't you heard? There's been one of them mass shootings again and I thinks this one'll be the excuse them fed bastards are looking for and comfiskate our Bushmashers."
Well I says "Well Rip, I ain't got no Bushmasher yet." And he says "Yeh, well, in your case, since you ain't got one but plan on getting one, they'll probalby leave you with a paper or something that orders you to hand it over to them as soon as you get it." And I say "Yeh, well, in that case, I'd just not get one on the first place." And he says, "Yeh, well, but you swore to the boys down at the United State of Idaho that you were gonna get one. What you gone to tell them?" And I say "Yeh, well, maybe I could tell them I got one, but then them fed bastards came and comfiskated it."
That sort of shut Rip up for a while, like maybe I hurt his feelings by out-thinking him, so after a while, I say "So what's so special abot this maas shooting what makes you think it'll be the one what gets the feds to comfiskating?" And he tells me it's on a navy base where it's happened, and he says "They'll say shooting up our military boys is crossing some red line or something like that, and they say all guns got to go now. You juts watch."
Well I say, "Well why don't they have those navy boys carrying guns? That would stopped that shooter wouldn't it? Like they say teachers in little kiddy schools and Star Box goers ought be carrying guns, so why shouldn't our navy boys be carrying guns, too? The only thing what'll stop a bad man with a gun is a good man whats too got a gun. That's what I heared."
Then old Rip scrinkles up his face like he does when he's thinking and says "Yeh, well, that's the thing, Cuz. I always thought them navy boys did carry guns. I always thought that carrying guns been the main thing what them army and navy boys do."
Then I says "Yeh, well, maybe they used to carry guns, but then them fed bastards come along and comfiskated them. Like, just like things always start in the military like intragration and that gay pride stuff and women stuff and such? Well maybe them feds are starting the whole total gun comfiskating stuff with the military first. Did you ever think of that?"
Well I could tell he had not ever thought of that by the amount of scrinkle on his face. Next time, I'll will tell you what the boys in the United State of Idaho had to say when I told them about them military boys having all their guns comfiskated. Right now, me and Rip off to our favortie worm jerking spot. Woo-ee Dawg! What a night this is goign to been!