Opinion » Minerva's Breakdown

Minerva's Breakdown

Advice for those on the verge

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Dear Minerva,

What Noises get you off?

—Aurally Fixated

Dear A. F., (To the tune of "My Favorite Things")

Cash Registers dinging. Elizabeth Taylor screaming,

Not to mention Chris Isaak's falsetto singing,

Zippers unzipping a man's tight, tight pants,

These are the sounds that inspire romance!

Jeff Stryker dirty talking in a movie

Elvis and Tom Jones make me feel groovy

Clark Gable, Brando, Cary Grant,

These are the sounds that inspire romance!

English accents and ones from Down Under,

Rainstorms that come with lightning and thunder,

The rustle of taffeta puts me in a trance,

These are the sounds that inspire romance!

Fryin' Chicken,

Banjo pickin'

Conway Twitty songs,

When I hear these marvelous sounds, I'm ready to get it on!

Hearing him say my name in a whisper,

The sound my fingers make as they stroke his whiskers,

The sound of the receipt when he picks up the tab,

These are the sounds that inspire romance!

Soundtracks to old Hollywood Movies,

The *SNAP* of the elastic band on his skivvies.

Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass,

These are the sounds that inspire romance!

The easy laughter that comes when we're joking,

The beautiful *POP* of Champagne uncorking,

The confident exclamation that he wants in my pants,

These are the sounds that inspire romance!

When my bed's cold,

When I feel old,

When I'm down and out,

I simply remember my favorite sounds,

Like hearing wolf whistles while out on the town,

And I'm ready to get it on!