I feel alone every night. I've thought about killing myself more times than I can count. I'm alive because of my children. They keep me strong. I'm in a horrible marriage trying to save money to leave, trying to finish college so I can give my children the life they deserve. Every night I sit and think of what would be the easiest way to kill myself. I don't because I don't want my children to find my body. I'm lost and need help, but don't know where to go.
My heart goes out to you. Many of us in this world have felt like we have hit a wall in our lives. It's a scary, helpless feeling. You describe several problems in your life that are zapping your sense of self-worth and desire to persevere. As a group I am sure they seem insurmountable. I would encourage you to break them down into individual problems. In this case, stop looking at the looming darkness of the forest and focus on one tree at a time. I strongly encourage you to find a mental health professional that can talk to you about your situation, help you come up with a plan, and even help with medications that can get you through these feelings and these difficult times. There is no shame in seeking help. You can also get immediate help and resources from the Idaho Suicide Prevention Hotline, 24/7/365 by dialing 208-398-4357. The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is take care of your mental health and wellness. There is a light at the end of the tunnel.