Opinion » Minerva's Breakdown

MInerva's Breakdown: Hush...Hush, Sweet Harlot

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Dear Minerva,

My job recently hired a man for a very necessary position within the organization. He seems great and is really pleasant to be around. He doesn't know this, but I happen to know about him a little bit already. We are connected without him realizing it because I have been secretly having an affair with his brother-in-law. I use the word "affair," but really it's more like a friends-with-benefits situation. He's not cheating but we are definitely keeping things on the quiet at this point. I'm worried I'm going to slip up and say something. I try to be discreet but it makes me nervous and clumsy. What can I do to keep my cool?

—Sincerely, Sweet Harlot

Dear Harlot,

While I wouldn't go so far as to call you a "harlot" for having a sex life, I can see this makes you uncomfortable. Stop for a moment and take a deep breath. You are not a harlot. Sexuality and sexual activity is normal. Don't slut-shame yourself unless you are into that. I'm not here to yuck your yum. Now, to the task at hand: If you don't want your coworker to know, simply don't say anything about it. Keep it a secret. Discretion and workplace etiquette demand it. Smile about it to yourself. You have information no one else does and that, in and of itself, can be delicious. Instead of calling yourself "Sweet Harlot," consider yourself a professional at sexual espionage and go with "Immodesty Blaise." Enjoy, you little minx.