Opinion » Bill Cope


Red's answer to WWJD: 'Make a Pest Out of Himself'


Bill Cope

"Just stopped by t' say bye, Cope."

"Bye? Where you going, pal?"

"I be Kin-tucky bound. Got me a holy war t' join."

"Ah great, Red. What're you getting into now?"

"I'm offerin' up my own self as a sack-o'-fishal lamb f'r that Kit Davis gal. I'm gerna' t' tell 'em t' put me in that gull durn cell an' let her out. An' if they don' do it, I's gerna chain myself t' a bike rack."

"Uh... Red..."

"They'll have t' cut off my leg t' get rid o' me, Cope. An' I'm gonna go on a hunger strike, too. An' I'm takin' m' bullhorn wit' me, so's while they're trying t' fork feed me Ensure at one end and cut off m' leg at the other, I'll be singin' 'Onwarts Chrishun Solshers" in their ear as loud as I can."

"Red, she's out."

"An when they start swingin' billy clubs down on my head, I expect ol' Mike Huckable an' Ted Cruz t' wade in. They'll prob'ly sic the dogs on us an' try t' drown us out wit' fire hoses. It's the price me and ol' Mike and Ted 'r' prepared t' pay t' give Kit Davis her freedom o' relig'ous liberties back."

"Red, It's Kim Davis, and she's out of jail. Has been for a couple of weeks."

"You don' think I know that, Cope? But you watch. She'll be back. You don' think that Joany Arc gal would o' give up on her marterdum jus' 'cause some judge let her off the burnin' stake, do ya'? You don' think them Chrishuns marterdors down in ol' Rome would o' jus' wandered off an' f'rgot the whole gull durn thing if'n some judge decided not to feed 'em t' the lions, do ya'?"

"Well, I've never given it a lot of thought, but I suppose..."

"That's what athytists like you never get, Cope! With us true-blue Chrishuns, it's in f'r a dime, in f'r a dollar. We's don' back off jus' acause we gets our way now an' then. It's like what them jock dunkers down in Al'bama showed. It's not enough to have the football boys get down on a knee, aprayin' t' Jesus f'r a touchdown. They takes it up a notch an' bab-tizes the boys in a tub o' Gaterade right there on the school football field."

"Yeah, I heard about that. Except it was Georgia instead of Alabama, and I never heard it was a tub of Gaterade. I think it was just plain..."

"Y'r missin' the point, Cope! The point is when ya' adorate somethin' as much as we true-blue Chrishuns adorate our Jesus, ya' don' stop makin' a pest o' y'rself until ya' gets y'r way on ever' gull durn thin'... ever' gull durn time... ever' gull durn where! That's what Jesus would o' done, right there in a nutsack. Why, he made such a pest o' himself back in the ol' Roman days that them ol' Romans decided they needed to crucifix him t' get 'im t' stop! An' tha's what good ol' Kit Davis is doin'... followin' in the bootprints o' Jesus by makin' a pest out o' herself. An' you jus' watch! She ain't gon' o' stop jus' 'cause she ain't in jail no more."

"I'm sure you're right about that, Red. Seems that once sad sacks get some serious attention, they keep angling for the replay. But don't you think that if Davis intends to make a full-time pest for Jesus out of herself, she should quit her county clerk gig."

"Nuh-uh! No sir! The true-blue Chrishun way t' make a pest out o' y'rself is to get y'rself a job where's y' might haf t' do somethin' that ain't Jesusy, an' then tell 'em y' ain't gerna do it. How's anyone s'pposed to get their sanctimony noticed if'n they're not doin' what weren't theirs do in the first place?"


"An' another thing. If'n them jailers an' cops an judges down there in Kin-tucky were doin' the will o' Jesus like they ought be doin', they would o' refused to lock her up in the first place. True-blue Chrishuns ought do whate'er they can do t' stop them fellers from gettin' hitched."

"Red, there are lots of Christians who think gay couples should be allowed to marry."

"No thur ain't."

"What do you mean, there ain't? There are all kinds of perfectly good Christians who support gay marriage and think Kim Davis and judgmental yahoos like her are ignoramuses."

"They ain't Chrishuns, Cope. You wo'n't un'erstand it since'n you's one o' them athytists, but there's true-blue Chrishuns, and then there's folks what jus' say they're Chrishuns, but ain't. They'll be down there in Hell wit' you, Cope, an' you can all spend y'r eternity braggin' 'bout how considerated you were t' them gay fellers."

"Red, when did you get so 'true-blue' that you could decide who's a good Christian, and who isn't?"

"'Twere 'bout the time I noticed hows ol' Huckable an' Cruz and that Bobby Jim Jangle feller were trippin' o'er one another t' show how sanctifitial they are. I re'lized then an' there tweren't no way ya' can call y'rself a Chrishun unless y'r makin' a big to-do 'bout somethin' ever'one else ain't so much bothered by. It's like that Biblic verse says, Cope... 'Ye shaltest be judged in Heaven by the stink thou havest raised.'"

"That must be in the same book as 'Do unto others what collects the most donations.'"

"Yassir, I believe it is."