Following are a few things about John McCain—"Johnny Pumpkinseed," as the docs down at the abortion clinic call him—that conservatives should think about when they're deciding whether they should swallow their vomit and vote for him in November.
• He and Bill Clinton are great pals. It was his idea, in fact, that Bill should run for president in '92. "Bill, buddy" he counseled. "You should run against old man Bush. He didn't raise taxes nearly as much as I was hoping he would." You know the rest.
• McCain has been overheard on numerous occasions ridiculing Ronald Reagan. "You know what?" he once said to Barbra Streisand during one of those Hollywood hot tub parties. "If I'd had to pick which cast member of Bedtime for Bonzo would have ended up president of the United States, I'd have put my money on the monkey." Babs laughed and laughed. John is the "people" she was singing about in that one song of hers.
• McCain watches PBS religiously. Every Friday night, Rosie O'Donnell, Sean Penn and he get together to watch Bill Moyers' show and drink $400 bottles of wine. Oh, and did I tell you that when McCain feels like disco dancing, he goes to gay bars. It's so he won't be hit on by those Beltway floozies. (This relates to why I'm pretty sure he didn't have any romantic attachments to that lobbyist like The New York Times reported last week. Soon as I heard she's a woman, I thought, "Yeah ... right.)
• And do you know what his all-time favorite movie is? I can't pronounce the name, but it's French. With subtitles!
• If it weren't for John McCain, the EPA would have been axed years ago. Same with OSHA and all that stuff the feds make us do to protect endangered animals. Yup, good ol' John McCain ... the spotted owls' best friend.
• And one last thing: The reason McCain is actively helping Mexicans to take over the country is that he likes their food so much, not to mention their meth. Uh-huh, he needs it so he can keep up the illusion that he has the energy of a 60-year-old.
All this—plus the stuff I can't tell you about in a family newspaper— is why I am endorsing John McCain in the general election no matter who gets the Democratic nomination. This may come as a surprise to those who know I'm a liberal, but it won't come as a surprise to anyone who knows the real John McCain. Compared to him, Obama looks more like a Buchanan than a Kennedy, and Hillary might as well be Margaret Thatcher.
And once the primary season is over—or, to put it another way ... once he can drop the suck-up routine with the "religious retards, radio talk show eunuchs and bozo Bushies" (McCain's words ... not mine)—we can all stand back and let Johnny do his thing. Whoee, Age of Aquarius, here we come.
All right then, that's all I have to say to conservatives. I now have a few things to talk over with my Democrat friends, so why don't you right-wingers run along. Go back to homeschooling your kids or watching stadium football or whatever the hell you do whenever you aren't peeing down your leg at the prospect of Democrats controlling both Congress and the White House.
Are they gone? Listen, if there are any Republicans still snooping around the last half of this column like they suspect I'm up to something, just tell them there's a picture of a naked lacrosse player back in the classified ads. That ought to clear 'em out.
OK, Dems, here's the real deal. I'm not actually endorsing McCain. Christ, no. I just want them to think I like him, get it? And I apologize for making up all those wild stories, but look, my lies aren't any more outrageous than what the likes of Limbaugh have been saying, now are they? There's even a bunch of character-assassinating dung beetles out there saying McCain behaved like a traitor while he was a prisoner of war. Hey, I didn't go nearly that far.
All I'm doing is tossing a few crumbs to the worm of uncertainty crawling around in their collective gut. You can smell it, can't you—that rancid sweat stink of desperate people? They're like Jack Lemmon in Glengarry Glen Ross, hoping against all hope that if they can just keep blabbing, they can turn this flop around. I realize many Democrats are nervous over the knock-down/drag-out between Clinton and Obama, but my advice to them is to calm down. Eventually, we'll have our candidate, and in the meantime, relax and enjoy what's going on with the opposition. For example:
• For the first time in memory, Democrats are out-raising Reps in the money department, and by a remarkable degree.
• In virtually every state that's held its event, primary voters and caucus-goers on the Democrat side are out-numbering Republicans by margins approaching two-to-one.
• Only one-third of Americans will now identify themselves as Republicans, and I suspect many of those won't be able to find their car keys on Election Day.
• At last count, 28 Republican House members have announced they won't seek re-election this year. Far be it from me to employ an old cliche about rats and sinking ships, but ...
• The Democrats' dispute is over whom we like best, while the Republicans' is over whom they dislike the least.
Conservatives are so out of sync with the country on everything from the war to the economy to health care, they're like Chuck Norris trying to make witty conversation at an Oscar party. Various factions thought they might avoid the inevitable by nominating another empty suit with well-combed hair (Romney) or another science-denying, bottom-percentile clown (Huckabee), but when that didn't work out, it's turned into Republican freefall. So cheer up, Dems. We have some creaks and groans in our house, but it's nothing like the four-alarm panic that's sweeping through theirs.
And listen, while we're waiting for Clinton and Obama to sort things out, let's have some fun with the situation. Like, if you happen to be catering a Jim Risch fundraiser or tending bar down at the Arid Club, you might want to drop something like, "You know what I heard? I heard that black baby McCain fathered grew up to be Barack. Isn't that the darnedest thing?"
Or you could show up at the NRA meetings and Shriner get-togethers and ask, "Hey fellas, if Hillary gets the nomination, are you absolutely sure you can trust your wives not to vote for her?"
Sort o' like teasing slow children, I know. But it's likely the only justice we'll get for eight years of Bush.