Opinion » Bill Cope

Laughing Madly

All the way to the plank

by

(Ring ring) "Hay-lo?"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Wha's so gull dern funny, buster? Whos iz dis, anyhows?"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! "

"Cope? 'Zat's yew, tain't id? An' why's y' callin' me up juss now? Ah's tryin' t' eat m' dinner here. T'night's Spaghetti-Os T'ursday, an' m' tiny li'l meatballs'r gettin' cold."

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Quid id! Juzz quid id!"

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"If'n yew don' quid, ah'll hang up on ya', Cope. Ah swears ah will! An' don' t'ink ah don' know whys y'r harrasselin' me, yew an' y'r big diddly deal election. Hot whoople-de-doo! Juss 'cause y'r dang Dem'crats took o'er a couple o' dem gov'ment branches ... who cares! Now quid id! Y'r irritatin' me!"

"Gosh, Red. Saaaw-ree! Sure didn't mean to irritate you. I'm just in such a good mood, see, and I wanted to throw some celebration your way, buddy. Thought maybe you could use some cheering up, that's all. Are you sure you couldn't use a little cheering up right now? Huh? Huh? Let me throw out one word and see if that doesn't cheer you up some. How's this: NANCY PELOSI! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"QUID ID! Nows y'r juzz bein' nasty! An' 'sides, dem's two words."

"Here's a few more words for you, partner. HARRY REID ! HA HA! CHARLEY RANGEL! HA HA! BARNEY FRANK! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Why's you doin' dis t' me, Cope? Tain't id bad 'nough I's gotta watch dem dang Dem'crats stompin' all o'er George Bush's leg-sissy, wit'outs yew rubbin' m' nose in Barney Frank?"

"Gee, Red, it's really inconsiderate of me to be so happy that we finally have people with the authority to hold Bush accountable. And I agree, just because he's botched things up so badly it'll take decades to sort out the mess ... why, that doesn't mean he shouldn't get himself a legacy going. How's this for a legacy: 'Two Years of Congressional Investigations and Eternal Shame.' It doesn't have the same zing as 'Impeachment of the Rotten, Lying Bum,' I know. But it's as generous a 'leg-sissy' as he's apt to end up with. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Wull (sputter) ... wull (spume) ... wull (seethe) ... wull (and fume) ... wull, I's don' know hows yew c'n be so happy, Mister-Lose-Ever't'ing-In-Eye-Dee-Ho Dem'crat! At least here in Eye-Dee-Ho, wes were able t' keep our good ol' Eye-Dee-Ho valyers! Loser loser loser, yew!"

"Ah yes. Good ol' Idaho values. Well done, Red. You choose a tight-jeans boozing cowboy clown who decides to make an honest woman out of his girlfriend just in time for the election ... you vote in another guy who's so desperate to dress up as the governor for a few months that he farms his wife out to making PSAs as though she really was the First Lady instead of a fill-in temp ... you elect yet another bozo to Congress who argues against global warming, claims abortions cause breast cancer, and can't seem to get along with anyone outside of Kuna ... you pick an education superintendent with no education, a state bookkeeper with no bookkeeping experience, an attorney general who's been hiding under his desk for four years ... and you call that 'good ol' Idaho values?' Know what I think, Red? I think we need a new nickname for the state. How's this sound: IDAHO: THE 'SLOW ME' STATE. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Uh ... er ... I don't get it, Cope."

"My point, exactly. HA HA HA HA!"

"Wull (quiver) ... wull (quake) ... wull (shiver) ... wull (and shake) ... wull, when Eye-Dee-Ho 'Publicans says we's gonna 'stay da course,' wes mean we's gonna 'stay da course,' gull dammit! Wes ain't no flick-flappers!"

"What's that, Red? Didn't quite catch that. It sounded like you said you're going to 'Stay the Curse.' HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Wull (squiggle) ... wull (squirm) ... wull (writhe) ... wull (and worm) ... wull, at least we Eye-Dee-Hoers don' be sendin' no dang Dem'crats back there what'll help no Nancy Pelicanosy git none o' her San Franfiscal liberalariums passed! We c'n be t'ankful o' dat!"

"You bet. We've gone from the reddest state in the union to the most irrelevant. Way to go, Idaho! Now the closest thing we have to a voice in Washington is a senior senator who's afraid to leave the houseboat for fear someone might recognize him from the old Union Station days. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Wull (stew) ... wull (carp) ... wull (boil) ... wull (and harp) ... wull, laugh all ya' want, Cope. But we 'Publicans made durn sure dem Gays an' Lesbyites won' be comin' t' our neck o' the woods f'r no homersexual hitchin'. We done put a stop t' that gay agenda, by gump. HYAR HYAR HYAR t' yew, Mister Cain't-Stop-Us'ns-From-Treatin'-Queers-Like-Crap Cope!"

"Careful, Red. You should have more respect for the gay agenda. The way it's looking to me, if you manage to completely do away with the gay agenda, there might not be enough people left in the Republican Party to fill a hot tub. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"

"Wull (froth) ... wull (spittle) ... wull (sweat) ... wull (and drool a little) ... wull, if'n yew t'ink we's Eye-Dee-Hoers is so dumb, Cope, whys don' yew go t' 'one o' dem other states? Somewheres like Tax-O'-Tchusses. 'At's where yer kind belongs. If e'er'un else is so dang smart, why tain't you movin' der?"

"Maybe I will, maybe I will ... come the day I see good, able people give up on Idaho. Come the day I see folks like Brady and Grant, Jim Hansen and Jana Jones and LaRocco and Twilegar throw up their hands and quit trying, then maybe I will, too. But you know what's funny, Red? The more absurd you Republicans make things, the more Democrats there are in Idaho working to change it. Hot, young, motivated Democrats. We're catching up, buddy. Another election or two, who knows? Maybe it'll be you who feels like he doesn't fit in anymore. Maybe you oughta start thinking about where you could move, Red. How about 'Miss-the-Boat-issippi.' HA HA HA!"

"Wull (rave) ... wull (rant) ... wull (puff) ... wull (and pant) ... wull I's tain't ne'er goin' nowhere! Is where I is an' I's ain't movin'! I's don' care if'n the whole dang country gits ahead o' us, I's stayin' raaawt here, where's I is!"

"My point, exactly. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" (click)