"Know what I think, Cope? I think there ought not be one more gull durn mosque built nowheres in America until every last one of them Mooslims refudiates that gull durn sherry law stuff and comes to baby Jesus, which is exactly what the Holy Founding Fathers meant to happen all along, anyhows. And I suppose you'll be wanting to write this down whiles I say it, huh?"
"Red, I'd love to hang here and listen to your nonsense, but I'm on my way out of town."
"Don't you wanna hear 'bout hows I think homersexuals ought not be allowed to adopt dogs from the city pound?"
"That's exactly right! Cats, neither. They ought not even be allowed to adopt no highways for cleaning the litter off'n. If'n you ask me, homersexuals lost all their adopting privileges the second they went out and started up that Nazi Tea Bag Party over in them German beer joints. And here's another one for you ... I think the City of Boise oughta build one of them Ten Commandments monuments up on Table Rock mountain, only one what's big enough to be seen all the way over yonder to Nampa. And ol' Dave Bieter ought to have to pay for it outa his own pocket for the way he treated the little-bitty one what was down in Jenny Davis Park. I'm telling ya', you oughta be writing all this down, Cope, 'fore you forget it. And another thing ... no woman ought not be allowed to get no gull durn abortion even if she gets herself knocked up by Sass-kwatch, hisself! Not for rape nor incest nor one of them alien orgy abductions nor nothing! That's what I say. And shouldn't you get out your tape recorder so's you don't muss up my quotes?"
"What's this have to do with Muslims? Actually, what's any of this have to do with anything, Red? What the hell are you talking about? You sound demented."
"I'm spooning out my new positions for you, Cope. Man's gotta modernate his positions now an' then, don't he? Show me a feller who stays with the same old positions year after year, and I'll show you a feller what's apt to get left behind in the dust."
"Look, Badger Bob is up in the hills waiting for me. Says he has something important to talk about, so really, I have to scoot. But as soon as I get back into town, we'll do lattes, okee-doke? I'm dying to find out where you're getting this crazy shi ..."
"Fischer? That bag of nuts we were rid of here in Boise last year?"
"Yup. Good ol' Bryan Fischer. I figure if'n a position is good enough for Bryan Fischer, it's good enough for me. And you know what? ... that what you calls a 'bag o' nuts' got himself on C, N an' N not long ago, and even on your precious N, P an' R. That 'bag o' nuts' is going places, Cope. He'll have his own hour on Fox before it's all said and done."
"Bro, I'm ashamed of you. I thought you had more integrity than to emulate a despicable scuzz like Fischer."
"Oh yeah? Well least he has a job nobody's trying to kick him outa."
"Listen, do you want to know why he's been in the national glare lately? Because he's spewing out some of the most contemptible, venomous crap imaginable, that's why. The creep makes his living by stoking up the fires in people too stupid to chew grits without someone on the radio telling them how. That's what people like Fischer do, Red ... dream up the most outrageous, hateful things they can say before one of the other ambulatory turds like Beck or Limbaugh or Colter gets to it first. That's his job you're so damn happy he has, Red! Inspiring as much intolerance and division and bitterness as he can in the hearts of America's least thoughtful people! I'm convinced he had to slink down to Mississippi because Idaho doesn't have quite enough inbreds to keep a specimen like him in hair gel."
"Purdy durn excited there, ain't you, Cope? Looks like I hitched a nerve, what you say?"
"You hitched a nerve all right. All that speech therapy we worked on, all that hope I had that your reasoning abilities were improving along with your enunciation, and now I find out you're still capable of being impressed by a bottom-sucking fascist like Fischer."
"So's what you're saying is, I'm still so aggravatin' and so titillatin' that I still have a place in your column."
"Red, I'd no more expect you to quit coming up with screwball ideas than I'd expect Fischer to turn into a real follower of Christ. There'll always be a place for you in my columns, believe me. But you don't have to sink to Fischer's level to keep it."
"But what if that MulletBoy feller starts saying screwier-ballier stuff than me?"
"Aaah. So that's what this is about. You're worried because I ran MulletBoy's blog a couple of times, huh?"
"Wull, gull durnit, maybe so. I mean ... I always been your go-to feller when it come to showing off the hayseed perspectum. An' now you got this MulletBoy character cutting inta my print time. Whats you need him for, Cope? Ain't I enough red neck enough for ya' no more?"
I left Red satisfied I wasn't about to dump him for a younger hillbilly and went to the hills, where I discussed with Badger Bob another man who would say anything, it seems, just to keep his job.
Coming next week--Job Insecurity II: How far would Rep. Walt Minnick sink?