News » Curious Times

January 26, 2005

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THE ALUMINUM FOIL BEANIE WOULD HAVE BEEN CHEAPER

A former Russian KGB agent has revealed the bizarro news that former Russian president Boris Yeltsin surrounded himself by a special "psychic security force" in order to gain protection from evil scientists or extrasensory individuals who might try to control his mind with sinister psychological influence. Former KGB officer and consultant to Yeltsin's Federal Security Service Yuri Malin claims that the Russian Secret Service still includes the psychic security force to protect its top officials, although current president Vladimir Putin has chosen not to be protected from such sinister forces. Among the evidence cited by Malin is a document from 1995 which contains a price list for various extrasensory pre-election services, including a $3,000 per month bill for psychic security (or $150 per hour) and a $2,000 fee which would "bewitch" the entire population of a town in order to make all the citizens vote for the right candidate. (P.S. If you haven't seen the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie Web site yet check out zapatopi.net/afdb.html) (Mos News)

THE DEADLY POWER OF GAY MEN

Among the many far out new weapons seeking funding from the Pentagon is a chemical which will turn enemy armies into gay lovers in order to make them less effective soldiers. While this might sound like a story from the Weekly World News, this proposal was actually covered in a paper titled "Harassing, Annoying, and 'Bad Guy' Identifying Chemicals" delivered to the Pentagon by researchers at the U.S. Air Force Wright Laboratory in Dayton Ohio. The hidden research was uncovered by a group dedicated to exposing secret research into chemical and biological weapons and was posted at www.sunshine-project.org. The proposal sought funding for various "non-lethal weapons," including the creation of a chemical aphrodisiac which would make enemy soldiers sexually irresistible to each other, thus causing a "distasteful but completely non-lethal" blow to troop morale. Other strange projects included chemicals which would attract swarms of enraged wasps or rats to enemy troop positions, and a chemical which would cause "severe and lasting halitosis" in enemy troops, making it easier to identify guerrilla fighters who tried to blend in with civilians. (Sunshine-Project.org)

BUT THE HOOLIGANS WILL KICK ROBOT ASS IN THE POST-GAME RIOTS

A team of Japanese robotics engineers has thrown down the gauntlet to the world's greatest football (i.e. soccer) players, saying that a team of robots will hoist the World Cup by the year 2050. Shu Ishiguro, head of the Robot Laboratory in Osaka, Japan, issued the challenge, saying that "by 2050 our aim is to beat the winners of football's World Cup and we are very confident that we will be able to do that." For now, their 38 centimeter (15 inch) tall robot, VisiON, has been designed to make its own decisions completely independent of human control, and has also learned to recognize a football and give it a good kick. VisiON also has rudimentary defensive skills, being able to identify opponents and shield possession of the ball. One great advantage the robot possesses is 360 degree vision. In preparation for its inevitable World Cup championship, cocky programmers have already perfected the robot's victory stance. (The Scotsman)

SPOOKY AFTERMATH

A second wave of tsunami-induced terror has hit the shores of Thailand as tales of foreign ghosts haunting the beaches and coastal towns have exploded in what experts call "mass trauma" as a result of the disaster. Tales of ghost sightings have made many locals afraid to wander near the beach or ocean, as the spirits of dead tourists are believed to still be roaming on the beaches and in the ocean. According to some of the tales, foreign tourists are heard laughing and singing on empty beaches, cab drivers report picking up foreign tourists only to look in the rearview mirror to find an empty seat and hotel workers are hearing foreign women crying "help me" throughout the night. The ghosts are mostly foreign due the Thai belief that a dead person must be cremated or blessed by a relative in order to rest in peace. As well, if the body of the deceased is not found, the spirit is believed to haunt the location of his or her death over and over to show where they are. "The tsunami happened so quickly, the foreigners didn't know what happened and they all think they are still on the beach," said one woman, "They all think they are still on holiday." (Agence-France Press)